Updated 16.7.23: Can I ask you something?
What matters most to you in your life as a Scholarly Mama?
You may not have asked yourself this question for a long time, but after the start to 2023 that we had (more on that later) I think it maybe worth reflecting on now.
Is it your degree title?
Maybe it’s the prestige of your institution?
Perhaps it is the number of bids or grants you’ve won for your research?
Is it the recognition you get from your academic peers?
Or is it the impact factor of the journal where you got your last paper published?
Perhaps none of the above are your most treasured achievements in your life as a Scholarly Mama. And I certainly don’t blame you!
But if you don’t know what matters most to you as a Scholarly Mama, or it feels like something is missing for you, then finding fulfilment maybe a good place to start.
Finding fulfilment is the process of discovering and pursuing what brings you joy and satisfaction in life. It’s about finding a sense of purpose and meaning that can help guide your decisions and actions.
In this blog post, I want to explore what finding fulfilment is, why it’s important, and how to get started on the path towards meaningful living.
By the way, if you’d rather listen to this blog post as a podcast, please use the player below:
What gives your life fulfilment?
One dictionary defines fulfilment as “the fact of doing or having what is required or necessary; the feeling of being happy and satisfied with what you are doing or have done.”
It is when someone’s needs and desires are met.
A fulfilling life can be described as one where an individual experiences peace, contentment, and fulfilment in their life.
There are many different means to achieving a fulfilling life, from personal growth, to our relationships, to even engaging in acts of service.
However, there is one common theme running through all these routes to a fulfilled life.
It starts with an intention to create a life of fulfilment.
With an open heart and mind, we can discover the simple moments that bring us peace and contentment.
The simplicity of fulfilment
Every now and again, when we are tempted to become lost in ourselves and our circumstances, we are sent little reminders about what matters most.
I recently experienced this.
It was a timely reminder that fulfilment in life can be found in the simplest of things.
Let me share the story.
Oooooh Mama, it was one of those mornings…
We were rushing out of the house for the morning school run, after a night of disturbed sleep (our toddler wasn’t having the best night and so my husband and I took turns waking with him), so I was feeling supremely frazzled.
Hey, this Scholarly Mama needs sleep to function!
On top of that, as it was a cold February morning, we were venturing out into the frosty, foggy outdoors, as we loaded up the car.
With all bags and boys accounted for, I did my usual traffic check before beginning our school run and realised that every possible direction would lead us into traffic!
Nightmare!!
Anyway, I made the choice of which route to take and off we went!
Feeling hot and bothered (or rather, freezing cold and frazzled), we joined the impending traffic. As we always do, we tuned into our favourite kids podcast for the commute and made our way towards school.
By some miracle, I managed to get our eldest son to his school on time (thank God for that!), we all said our “I love you’s” and “see you laters” and continued on to drop off our middle son.
However, it wasn’t long before we became stuck in more traffic again. I was certain, by this point, that we’d be late in getting our middle son to school!
“What a horrendous start to this morning!” I thought to myself, as the boys quietly listened to their story time podcast over the car speaker.
I glanced into the rearview mirror to check the traffic behind.
Then, I noticed something in the corner of my eye. Something so simple and ordinary, yet beautiful and needed in that moment of frustration.
Despite all the traffic shenanigans and concern that we were going to be late, I watched in my rearview mirror as our toddler son slowly reached out his hand our middle son.
As we crawled along at what felt like 3 mph, they tightly held onto each other. They continued to do so, taking turns smiling at each other.
Then, they simultaneously turned their heads in the opposite direction and gazed out of their respective windows.
It was as if nothing else mattered, other than the fact that they had each other.
My heart must have skipped a few beats as I watched this brotherly love unfold.
Then it hit me.
This is what fulfilment felt like (to me).
It was a subtle, yet profound, moment. Seeing them express their love for each other helped me to remember what matters, even when life gets stressful and doesn’t go to plan.
Our kids felt safe, happy and loved and that’s what mattered.
These were the moments that gave me perspective and life, meaning.
This one reminded me of why I am intentional about living a fulfilled life.
It was like life paused just for a second, as both the boys (and I) held onto that moment.
There were no words to describe it…
So off we went to each start our days, feeling loved, treasured and fulfilled.
Why it matters to prioritise what matters
When you focus on what matters, you are able to experience fulfilment because fulfilment is a benefit of living. It’s something you do while you have life and breath.
Whatever your beliefs about death, I’m sure you would agree that your time on this earth is limited and finding fulfilment in life is a decision that is within your control, in the majority of cases.
It’s an intentional choice.
The problem is that we think we have time…
As you probably know from my Instagram post, my husband and I recently lost one of our closest friends. He was one of my husband’s closest friends (for over 30 years) and quickly became a brother to us both when we became a couple.
After losing him suddenly at the beginning of this year, to a short and unexpected 2-week battle (from diagnosis to death) with an aggressive cardiac sarcoma, we struggled to come to terms with the reality that he is no longer with us. Him passing so suddenly at 40 years old, leaving behind a wife and two young kids under 5… was indeed a shock to the system.
He was such a kind and introspective person, he was a light and losing him has truly left a hole in our hearts. It also reminds us of what matters in life and that we must continue to cherish and prioritise those things, because none of us knows when our time will come.
So this blog post was partly inspired by our dearly departed friend who we miss so much.
My husband compiled a tribute video with a few of his voice notes so you can hear for yourselves what a light we’ve lost. You can watch it here, then share this blog post with a friend to help his legacy live on.
I also wrote a tribute poem for his funeral which you can watch here as well.
How to identify what matters most in your life
We all have a desire to identify what matters most in life and make them our priorities. But how do we go about it? What are the strategies that can help us evaluate our life’s purpose and set meaningful goals?
Here are a few question prompts to help you begin the journey toward finding fulfilment.
What are your biggest hopes in your life?
How do you visualise your future?
What do you do well and what makes you feel good about yourself?
If you could see your future self, what would you look like?
What do you want your legacy to be?
These are the things that will give meaning and purpose to your life. They are your points of reference for how you can reorganise your priorities, if you have to.
This is why I believe every scholarly mama needs a fulfiment plan. I created a FREE 5-step fulfilment planner which you can download here.
Fulfilment is not a distant, unattainable ideal for Scholarly Mamas. Remember that your best chance for a happy future lies in the present moment. Think about all of those little micro-decisions you make in a single day. How do they contribute to your bigger purpose and align with your values?
Do your decisions align with your values?
Making decisions based on our values and priorities can be a difficult task. It requires us to think deeply about our values and prioritize them in order to make the right decisions.
How do we identify our core values, set achievable goals, and align our actions with these values so that we can make decisions which reflect who we are and what we stand for?
Do we even know what are our core values are?
The process of decision-making is often made easier when we are able to identify the relevant characteristics and attitudes that help us decide.
Core values are different from personal values, which might be things like health or money (e.g., I want to be healthy, I want to make money). Core values may include things like “service” or “family”.
They generally provide an overarching framework for your life views and how you choose your actions. They give you a direction in life so that when faced with difficult choices, thinking about what matters becomes easier.
Your core values give you guiding principles that can help you make the best decisions on your journeys of becoming.
The benefits of self-reflection
Taking the time to reflect on and appreciate what matters in our lives is an important part of finding fulfilment.
Self-reflection helps us become aware of our thoughts, feelings, and actions so that we can make conscious choices about how we want to live our lives.
Self-reflection, also known as “mindfulness,” is a process of being aware of your thoughts, feelings, and actions with the intention of being present in your life.
It involves pausing to assess your situation and surroundings, then focusing on what you are experiencing in that moment with an attitude of openness and acceptance.
When practicing self-reflection, we may also become more aware about our emotions or mental states and make conscious decisions about how we want to live our lives.
It can help us find meaning from past experiences so that we know what is important to us and what we want to avoid in the future.
Practicing gratitude helps you to appreciate what matters
Practicing gratitude can also help us stay focused on the positive aspects of life and appreciate all that we have. When our family started our 5-minutes of gratitude practice every evening over dinner, we did it, not only to express our gratitude openly, but also model to our kids how they can do the same too.
It was an opportunity to share what happened during that day and be intentional and vulnerable as a family, while reflecting on the day’s events with gratitude.
So in case you were wondering, this was the inspiration behind my FREE 5-minutes of gratitude journal, which you can access here.
Making time for what matters is important for finding fulfilment as a Scholarly Mama. It allows you to face the hurdles you will most certainly encounter on your journeys, with purpose.
And by the way, focussing on the things that bring you fulfilment in your life doesn’t mean you don’t have goals and career aspirations still, it’s that you just chose not to let them rule your life.
So what matters most to you Mama?
So Mama, I ask you again.
What matters most to you?
Is it the bond you have with your kids?
The memories you create with your family?
The quality time you spend together?
The legacy you want to leave for your kids?
The impact you have in the world?
The good you do for others?
When academic life gets hard, it’s easy to lose sight of what matters most to us as Scholarly Mamas. When we become so fixated on reaching milestones and destinations in our careers and in pursuit of our academic achievements, we rob ourselves of the joy, fulfilment and purpose in the journey of getting there.
Mama, real life is still happening while we are busy building careers.
We are still mothering our kids and we are still evolving in our marriages and relationships.
We are still growing as individuals.
Academic life does not happen in a vacuum.
Yet, we prioritise and ‘pedestalise’ our academic pursuits as if it were so, denying the “whole” lives we have outside of academia.
Unfortunately, this is often to our own detriment in the long term.
So when you are spending quality time with your family, practicing self-care, exercising your faith, volunteering in your community, helping a friend, looking after your mental well-being or doing something else that you consider purposeful, it’s never a waste of time, Mama.
Conclusion
In this blog post, we talked about finding fulfilment in life as Scholarly Mamas. And although that will look different for everyone, it’s important to realise that it begins with you.
It begins with you making small, intentional micro-decisions that align with your purposeful goals.
It’s about doing the things that make life worthwhile for you and those you share it with.
Really, it’s about prioritising what matters.
It’s important to make time for what matters to you and prioritse the things that bring you joy and fulfilment in life.
So first clarity, then action…because these are our journeys of becoming!
How have you found the juggle of family, work and life as a scholarly Mama? What tips would you share about finding fulfilment that I’ve missed in this post?
If you enjoyed this post, please share it with another Scholarly Mama you know :-).
Until next time,
What a timely reminder and a beautiful tribute to your friend. The smallest moments are not only the ones we easily take for granted but they are the ones that if we slow down enough, we can have more of. Love that you brought this to the forefront of my mind going into this week. Thank you!
Yes, I absolutely agree re slowing down to give ourselves the opportunity to experience more of these moments. If we can do this, we can create lives we don’t constantly want or need to escape from. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and share your insightful comments. I appreciate you!