Updated 17.9.23: It can be hard to believe in yourself again when you’ve had a blow to your confidence. Firstly, this happens to all of us. It can happen for a variety of reasons. These may include negative feedback from others, failure to achieve your goals or even a fear of taking risks. Sometimes, for whatever reason, you simply struggle to believe in yourself!
In this blog post, I want to explore 10 ways to find your self-confidence again after you’ve lost it.
I can’t count the number of times this has happened to me. Combining motherhood and academia can sometimes make you feel like you no longer belong, even in the spaces you occupy.
So rather than feeling like you’re good at lots of things, you start to feel like you are failing at all the things…
And when you have a negative experience that shakes the little ounce of confidence you have left, it can be hard to bounce back. Further, when doors of new opportunity come knocking, or even just new experiences, you find yourself holding back from embracing them. It’s because you’ve completely lost confidence in yourself.
By the way, are you interested in listening to this blog post as a podcast? Please feel free to use the player below:
So how do we begin to believe in ourselves again when we’ve lost that confidence?
Here’s how:
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1. Change Your Internal Narrative To Help You Believe In Yourself
Allow me to share a recent experience with you, Mama.
If you follow me on Instagram, then you will probably know I attended the UK Black Business Show in London last month. But what you didn’t know from my Instagram post was that there was something even more significant about that experience for me. I will share it with you here:
First of all, no one knows the internal battles you must overcome to show up as your authentic self, especially in new spaces. Or how hard it is to fully embrace new Journeys of Becoming by taking action in areas where you want to see change.
As a reflector, I’ve been thinking about why I felt so uncomfortable about attending the show before actually deciding to go. There are a few reasons I felt out of my comfort zone (I elaborate below).
For one, I didn’t see myself as an entrepreneur. It was a part of my new identity that I felt (dare I say it)… not so confident about. So the big question here was, why?
Why was I afraid to fully embrace this new part of my identity?
Was it because I was afraid of failing at it?
Was it because I was comparing my journey to other entrepreneurs?
These questions helped me to reflect on and challenge my limiting beliefs about why I felt the way I did.
It was the first time I’d attended a huge business event in person like the UK Black Business Show. And as I said in the caption of that Instagram post, it’s not a space in which Scholarly Mamas would usually find themselves.
However, there is something special about being around entrepreneurs and side hustlers that look like me, that inspires me to continue to bring my ideas to life – their beginnings, their stories, their motivations, their creativity, their journeys, their struggles, and their wins.
It keeps the dream alive when you see the potential for what you can do.
Also, (and this is a very important point), there is something incredible about being in the presence of real dream-builders and change-makers that inspires me to change my internal self-talk and ditch those limiting beliefs that hold me back from stepping into my purposeful journeys of becoming, in faith.
Here are a few examples of how I’ve changed my internal narrative:
From: “I am a UK immigrant from a small island in the Caribbean, how can I inspire anyone?”
To: “I am an intelligent, creative, woman of colour with a big vision and a purpose to help others like myself, in a meaningful way!”
From: “I’ve never done any of this before”
To: “I’ve been the ‘first’ for so many things in my family, this is not my first rodeo of stepping out of my comfort zone and doing it scared! I believe can do it and I’m taking action.”
From: “I am a Scholarly Mama, how can I even think about pursuing purposeful goals outside of that, it will be too difficult!”
To: “I am a Scholarly Mama overcoming all kinds of obstacles on my Scholarly Mama journey, I can do hard things!”
From: “I am a wife and Mum of three, I can’t pursue my dreams!”
To: “My family is everything to me and I can give them so much more when I choose to become purposefully whole.”
I know that achieving any goal doesn’t happen overnight, but small, steps toward those goals will bring about sustainable progress in the right direction and that’s just how we will get there.
Remember Mama, little and often, slow and steady wins the race.
You may see people doing extraordinary things out there but you may never know the internal narrative they are having to challenge (and change) for themselves. You may be just the inspiration they need when they are wallowing in self-doubt, yet you may never know your true impact.
My advice? Do it anyway.
So whether you’re contemplating starting a PhD (or another course of study), changing careers, starting a new business venture, applying for that new job, or learning a new skill. However scary your next steps are, you’ll never know what’s behind that door of opportunity unless you open it.
2. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude
Gratitude is a powerful force in human life and society. It is a key ingredient to happiness, and it is the antidote to many of the problems that plague our world.
The dictionary defines gratitude as “a strong feeling of appreciation for someone or something…”
But how can we cultivate an attitude of gratitude?
There are many ways to cultivate an attitude of gratitude, but first and foremost, we need to take time for ourselves. Take time in your day for yourself. This can be time spent in prayer, meditation, reading a book, or taking a walk – so you can come back refreshed and ready to show appreciation for everything around you.
If you’re looking for a simple way of reflecting on what you’re grateful for, I’ve got something for you! Please feel free to download my FREE 5 Minutes of Gratitude Journal here.
3. Stop Judging and Start Believing In Yourself
The first step in regaining your confidence and self-belief is learning to trust yourself again. But how can you do this? The first step is to change the way you think. You need to start believing in yourself and your abilities. This will help you start feeling more confident about what you do and who you are.
In academia, we are critiqued A LOT. We’re told that this is just what research/academic life is like. From supervisor/ advisor critiques to peer reviewers, to literature readers, and even the media, it can feel like you are in a constant state of value judgment.
This can be a hard pillow to swallow for some. The key is trying to never take those critiques personally. They are simply opinions. For the most part, they can be quite helpful for reflection and applying those reflections to your life in a practical way. So rather than taking critique personally and entering into a cycle of self-judgment, remember that it’s just their feedback and you are allowed to take what’s useful and leave behind what’s not.
Stopping self-judgment starts with being kind to yourself and encouraging yourself with thoughts of self-worth. Mama, try not to put yourself down all the time. We need to be kind to ourselves so that we can better love who we are, and who we are becoming so we begin to believe in ourselves again.
These are some of the books that I’ve read recently that have reminded me of the importance of loving who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming on my journeys of becoming:
Feeding the Soul by Tabitha Brown
Feel free to peruse my bookshelf for other insightful reads for your own journeys of becoming.
4. Accept Your Flaws So You Can Begin To Believe In Yourself As You Are
We all have our flaws, but not all of us are comfortable with them. The first step is accepting them, so you can begin to love yourself. With that, you’ll be able to better love others.
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know that I talk a lot about navigating the juggle-struggle of marriage, motherhood, and academia. Well recently, I dropped one of the balls I’d been juggling in a busy season. I was (initially) really hard on myself about it. We see so much “perfection projection” online which perpetuates this expectation that as busy working mums, we are expected to excel at everything by giving everything 110%. Well, this ideology could not be further from the truth! It’s simply not a human possibility to perfect everything. Every single person has flaws, and that is okay. What matters most is that you learn to accept them and work on your shortcomings.
In my moments of despair, I asked myself this one important question about my dropped ball:
“Can I do anything about it?”
If the answer to that question was yes, then there was no need to panic. I just needed to buckle down, get to work, and get the task done.
But if the answer was no, and the ball was broken, there was still no need to panic. In this case, I would have had to accept the reality of the situation, learn from the experience, and handle myself with grace. I am human.
So give yourself space to fail and recover because failure is an opportunity to learn and grow. Perfection is an impossible standard. You may not be perfect, but you ARE enough!
Remember that.
5. Expand Your Comfort Zone
Going to that UK Black Business Show was a comfort zone challenge. Firstly, I am just beginning to feel comfortable with putting myself out there and networking with people outside of academic circles. I am literally doing it all right now, scared. But, I told a friend recently that although I may feel like an imposter, I won’t deny the fact that I’m nervous about feeling that way.
Expanding your comfort zone takes work. It is a constant struggle that requires a lot of self-belief and motivation. But it is also the best way to grow as a person and achieve your goals. Your comfort zone is the range of situations you are able to handle. The more comfortable you are with a specific challenge, the easier it is for you to handle it. As soon as your comfort zone starts expanding, your ability to handle a situation also increases. This means that even if it may be uncomfortable in the moment, this uncomfortable feeling will lead to greater rewards in the long term.
In order for this process to take place, though, you need to change your attitude toward the risk. Ask yourself, “what evidence do I have that taking the risk is likely to lead to failure?”. It’s very likely you have no evidence of this and that the fear exists only in your mind. Next, play out the absolute worst-case scenario in your mind (in detail of course, because we’re overthinkers right?). Now bring your thoughts back to reality. This helps us to realise that the absolutely worst-case scenario is far worse than what’s likely to happen in reality.
So rather than seeing the risk of failure, tell yourself that it’s an opportunity to learn. This means that no matter the outcome, you’re going to gain experience and learn valuable lessons that you can apply in the future.
It’s a win-win!
Slowly but surely, we can do things that make us feel uncomfortable. In the process of doing so, we gain confidence, increase our skillset and overcome our fear.
That said, the process of expanding your comfort zone will take place at its own pace. It certainly won’t happen overnight so take it slow and steady and be patient with yourself!
Mama, know that you are brave enough to believe in yourself again.
6. Make Time for Reflection And You’ll See Why You Can Actually Believe in Yourself Again
Reflection is an important part of the process of believing you can again. It gives you the opportunity to learn from your experiences and mistakes. It also helps you develop as a person and strengthen your self-belief.
You should make time for self-reflection in your life. This will help you to grow as a person. It will also give you the opportunity to reflect upon what has happened in the past. When you reflect, it is not just about looking at what went wrong but also about what went right. Reflecting on what went well allows you to build on those ‘wins’ and learn from them for future endeavours. This will show you why you can actually believe in yourself again.
This can be a huge confidence booster!
7. Practice Positive Affirmations Daily
The self-belief system is one of the most important systems in our lives. It is what makes us feel confident and capable. This system can be rebuilt with positive affirmations.
Sure, we may get all the nerves, anxiety, and discomfort, but positive affirmations can help get us back to a place of self-belief.
We have to believe in ourselves and our abilities to be able to achieve anything we want in life. Positive affirmations are a great way to rebuild this system. They help us build a strong foundation for our beliefs and mute those unhelpful limiting beliefs.
Affirmations can be great tools to help us regain our confidence.
8. Dream Big, Plan Small
Dream big, plan small is a phrase that has been used by many successful people. It encourages people to set their big goals and then break them down into smaller steps.
Dreaming big is not a bad thing. But it is important to be realistic and plan small steps to reach your goals. This way, you will be able to measure the progress and know what needs to be done next.
It is important to have a plan in order to achieve your dreams. A planner helps you stay on top of your goals and tasks so you can keep up with the pace of life.
It is not a secret that we live in an era where things happen at the speed of light and time is our most valuable asset. But it’s not only about managing time. It’s also about being organised and having a clear vision for the future. Most importantly, you want to know exactly what steps need to be taken to get there.
When you are in control of your to-do list, this helps you to feel more confident about what you are doing.
And while embracing change is great, the crucial mindset should be that change is sustainable. This begins with setting realistic goals. It enables sustainable change.
Did you know I also have a FREE Printable MMPhD Planner which you can download here? Start today and make that start a good one. I also have a FREE downloadable To-Do List Organiser and a SMART goal guide & tracker to help you get organised and stay on top of your goals and progress.
I hope you find these useful resources for your journeys of becoming.
9. Step Into Your Purpose in Life
We all need to find new meaning in our work and it is often hard to do so. The good news is that you don’t have to look far for inspiration. You can find new purpose by looking at what you’re passionate about, what you’re good at, and what your values are.
I read a social media post recently where fellow blogger Dr. Ijeoma Kola talked about the difference between the older generation of academics and the younger generation being that the younger generation doesn’t see their whole life purpose in their academic work, as perhaps the older generation of academics do.
My personal thoughts on this were that my purpose is not defined or limited to the work I do, it’s more deeply aligned with who I am, my core values, and why I am here. The reason I don’t link my sense of purpose with any job/career is that linking it to who I am, rather than what I do, means that it goes with me through life and gives me guiding principles for anything I do. It gives me the freedom to change what I do, and change my job/career, without losing sight of my unique assignment, if that makes sense.
However, if you feel that your purpose is linked to your academic work but you are feeling stuck in the academic hierarchies, job insecurities, lack of progression, and the challenges of being a Mama in academia, there are still ways to give your PhD meaning beyond academia.
Fulfilling your purpose in life can be difficult but with some introspection, you can get there. The first step is to identify the things that make you happy and fulfilled.
What are you passionate about?
Your talents? What are they?
What are your values?
Your non-negotiables? What are those?
Do you know what your unique assignment is?
Once you’ve identified these things, it becomes easier to reach the goal we have around here, which is that of becoming purposefully whole.
10. Learn Something New Will Help You to Believe In Yourself Again
We have all been there – you are at the end of your tether, and you have reached rock bottom with your self-confidence. But what if I told you that by learning something new, you could muster up the motivation to believe in yourself again?
Learning something new is a great way to keep yourself motivated and inspired. It is also a great way to make sure that your skills are up-to-date and relevant.
Here are some ideas of things that you could learn:
1. A new language: Learning a new language is not just fun, it can also help you be more employable and in demand by helping you produce work in another language
2. New technology: Becoming skilled in new technology can help your career and make sure that your skills are up to date for future jobs or projects.
3. Cooking: This may seem like an unusual idea, but cooking is something that may not seem as important to learn as linear algebra, but many people find it to be one of the most enjoyable things they have ever done.
4. Swimming: Swimming can be a great workout, but it can also be a way for you to relax and refresh yourself after a tough day of work.
5. How to play an instrument: Playing an instrument is not only fun and relaxing but knowing how to play one means that when you want to take a break, you can pick up your instrument and practice playing something new. In addition, music is universal, so it can help you express yourself creatively and feel connected to those around you.
6. Writing: Writing is often overlooked as something that people should learn because it doesn’t “seem like a skill,” but it’s one of the best ways to exercise your creativity.
7. Painting: Painting can be a very therapeutic activity, as it can help you express yourself and gain insight into your emotions that you may not be able to articulate in words.
8. Photography: Photography allows you to capture moments that may be fleeting and rekindle memories that bring back good feelings or make bad ones fade with time, as well as remember people who have passed away.
Conclusion and Final Thoughts
In closing, I hope this blog helps you to begin to believe in yourself again when your confidence is low.
We often find ourselves doubting our abilities, but getting our confidence back after it’s been knocked down is important because you are the only one who can do it. It’s not always easy to believe in ourselves again, but it is possible. If you want to be more confident, you need to start believing in yourself again. You do not need to be like everyone else, you can believe in yourself while being 100% yourself.
So when you drop a ball or two, or when you are faced with a new challenge or opportunity that pushes you out of your comfort zone, don’t let it doubt your purpose here.
You belong here, imperfections and all.
You can believe in yourself again.
Remember Mama, these are our journeys of becoming!
Until next time,
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