There are many things about doing a PhD as a Mama that are hard, but one thing that separates the completed PhD journeys from the ones that could have been, is what you do when PhD life throws you lemons.
In this blog post, we’re going to tackle a common challenge that you may face on your PhD journey.
What do you do when PhD life throws you lemons?
By the way, if you prefer to listen to this blog post as a podcast, please feel free to use the player below:
Anyone who has ever done a PhD will know exactly what I’m talking about.
PhD life, as a Mama, can be both rewarding and incredibly demanding. Juggling research, marriage, relationships, and parenting can sometimes feel like a never ending obstacle course, honestly.
But remember that challenges can also be opportunities in disguise.
So when PhD life hands you lemons, the tips in this blog post will show you how you can turn those into something truly, truly sweet.
Reframe your thinking and embrace the lemonade mindset
The first thing that you can do when PhD life throws you lemons, is to reframe your thinking and embrace the lemonade mindset.
First and foremost, embracing a lemonade mindset is a shift that is required in order to tackle these lemons that PhD life may throw at you.
Life is full of unexpected twists and turns, and your PhD journey is really no exception. So when you’re faced with setbacks, remember that they can be valuable learning experiences as well.
When life throws you lemons, see them as opportunities to grow. They can be opportunities to adapt, and to become a stronger researcher and mother.
Challenges are part of the process of doing a PhD. Shoot, motherhood is no easy feat either!
But remember that if navigating a PhD journey with kids in tow was easy, everyone would be doing it.
So embrace those lemons and learn to trust the process.
A fair share of lemons
I have had my own share of lemons during my PhD journey, which I have just recently completed (for those of you who are new around here).
I have been working on my PhD for quite some time. I’ve been doing it part-time while working and raising a young family. I have three sons, the youngest of whom is two years old at the time of writing. So I’ve certainly had my fair share of ups and downs as I’ve navigated this journey as a Mama of three. And I have also been building my marriage in that time. I’ve been married for over 17 years (at the time of writing). Yes Mama, I have also been enjoying married life while I have been navigating my PhD journey.
But I’ve definitely had my fair share of lemons on this journey. Having to change paths, take a different route and try something new. So, I’m not immune to any of the challenges. I can completely relate if you are in that position right now.
If that sounds like you and you are currently navigating your PhD journey with kids in tow, Mama, believe me when I tell you, I get it.
I feel you.
I know this struggle very, very well.
When I reflect on that journey, I think about the various lemons that I’ve been thrown.
Supervisor changes
I’ve had changes in supervisors (twice), which on the surface looks like it could be quite the recipe for disaster.
But when I look back on it, I realised that in having to do that, it really made me very good at being able to defend my PhD decisions. It helped me to get good at being able to say, ‘Actually, no, I want to do it this way’, or ‘I want to try that idea’, or ‘I want to try this other method’.
Even though the changing in PhD supervisors was hard and it was a bit of a setback, it was actually a blessing in the sense that it taught me something. It allowed me to develop another aspect of myself on this journey.
And that’s one example as I have had so many challenges.
Patient recruitment
I’ve done a clinical PhD which required me to recruit patients to my study in a variety of clinical settings.
And that was really hard because as much as you may see people in the clinical capacity, when they maybe happy to see you (most times) in that clinical capacity, seeing them in a research capacity is slightly different. In my case at least, it wasn’t something that affected their care. It wasn’t something that affected their health necessarily (not directly anyway). No, it was not something that they felt obligated to do. So, in that context, I had to learn how to sell myself and sell my research as I tried to recruit participants to my study.
However, even though I did have lots of challenges in recruitment, I realised, on reflection, that it was actually a blessing again in disguise. It taught me to get better at pitching my research to patients (potential participants) to get their buy in… to get them to say, “Yes, I want to be a part of that process”.
That’s just another example of how, even when the PhD life throws you lemons, it’s still possible to turn that into lemonade. It’s still possible to turn that around and make that work for yourself.
A worldwide pandemic
A third lemon that I was thrown in my PhD journey (there are others, but I’m just going to focus on these three today) is the COVID-19 pandemic.
The COVID-19 lockdowns came at a very unfortunate time in my PhD. I was just finishing up my recruitment and everything came to an abrupt halt. I had to take an interruption from my PhD because of COVID.
Everything was on hold.
My pandemic pregnancy
But I also realised in that experience, that even though that was a challenge and a setback, it was also a blessing in disguise as my husband and I managed to conceive our third son in that time.
Being off on a break from my PhD allowed me to focus on looking after myself in my pregnancy and navigating pregnancy during COVID, which was, as you know, a bit tricky as well.
I talk about that in another blog post.
Overall, the interruption was actually a blessing in disguise because I was able to rest and just focus on looking after myself. I was also able to spend some really memorable and creative time with the boys.
Obviously, I was homeschooling at that time and that was difficult too.
We all know that COVID was not easy.
I talk more about the challenges that COVID brought upon my PhD journey here. But it also gave me that time with the boys during which, we were able to do some pretty amazing things.
Yes, COVID was a huge setback for over seven and a half months of my PhD. During that time nothing happened.
There was absolutely no progress.
But when I look back on that experience, I realised that in many ways it was a blessing because I was able to do so many other things. I was grateful for the time look after myself in my pandemic pregnancy.
Reframing your thinking and embracing that lemonade mindset helps you to ride the waves of the challenges that your PhD journey will bring, especially if you’re navigating motherhood and marriage/relationships as well.
Seek support when PhD life throws you lemons
So, what else can you do when PhD life throws you lemons?
The other thing you can do is to seek support.
What could that support look like?
You don’t have to go through this journey alone. Seek support from your research supervisors (UK) or advisors (USA), fellow students and colleagues, and most importantly, from your family. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when needed. Building a support network can make a world of difference in juggling your roles as a scholar and a mother.
“It take a village…”
I remember seeing a video on YouTube (or it might have been a podcast)… I can’t remember at the moment, but I do remember this Mama saying that people keep telling her about how it takes a village to raise a child and it takes a village to do this and that as a Mum.
And she was like, ‘Well, where is my village? I haven’t got any family, I haven’t got anyone around!’.
And I felt like that at some point too. I remember when we had our first son, the reality that while we were in the UK, all of our family was in America, Barbados and elsewhere.
We didn’t have that family support.
Nope, we didn’t have people to call on for childcare.
We didn’t have people that we could ask to watch our kid(s) for a weekend while we caught up on work, or got some chores/housework done, run errands, or just get some sleep.
No, we didn’t have that.
So, one of the realities that hit me when we had our first son, was that we can have a village, but we may need to pay for that village. For us, that meant paying for childcare so that we could work and get on with other things that we needed to do. I even remember one time when I needed to do Christmas shopping, paying for an extra day at nursery just to be able to do that.
So yes, it does take a village, but everyone’s situation is different.
Not everyone has that family support nearby that they can rely on for childcare. You might have to pay for that childcare.
Support in other areas
And that support may not necessarily only relate to childcare. In some cases, you may have to outsource help with chores. You may need to get someone to do your ironing, or support you with cleaning the house. You may have to pay someone to watch the kids while you get a couple hours of work done at home.
So, to navigate the lemons that PhD life is throwing you, you might have to pay for the help that you need. It may give you the space to be able to deal with the unexpected situations that arise. You may be able to better manage a difficult situation without necessarily feeling the pressures of having to also worry about looking after the kids.
Other forms of support
So what else might that support look like?
It may look like therapy, if you need it.
If PhD life is getting too much and you feel like it’s impacting on your mental health, it might be that you need to seek support in the form of a therapist or a counsellor.
And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Remember that asking for help is enabling you to be able to manage a situation. There’s nothing wrong with seeking that support.
Support could also look like hiring a coach to help you reach your goals. Perhaps you want to get your thesis completed or you’re struggling with motivation to see your goals through to completion. Or, maybe you just need the support of someone who’s been there and done that and navigated this journey. You can learn the tips and the strategies that they’ve used and see how they could work for you potentially. So, support may look like hiring a coach to help you navigate that. They could help you, support you and encourage you to keep going, while giving you tools and tips to help you through.
Or support might be in the form of a community of like-minded Mamas, like our Scholarly Mamas community, where you can be surrounded by people who understand this struggle and people who have been dealt those lemons before and have navigated them.
Support could look differently for everyone, but knowing that it’s okay to seek that support is one of the ways that you can navigate the lemons that the PhD life may throw at you.
Adjust your timeline when PhD life throws you lemons
Another thing that you could do to help you navigate PhD life when it throws you lemons is to adjust your timeline.
Remember that the race isn’t for the swift.
PhD timelines can be flexible and it’s okay to adjust yours when necessary.
If life throws you lemons in the form of unexpected family responsibilities or health issues, consider discussing options with your PhD supervisor. They can help you create a more manageable research plan that accommodates your current circumstances.
I too, have been in this situation multiple times where I’ve had to adjust my timeline.
I’ve had to apply for extensions.
I’ve had to apply for more funding.
Yup, I have had to change and tweak my plans all the way through my PhD.
Indeed, I have had unexpected surprises, for example, COVID.
I have had things that have just not worked and I’ve had to change them.
I’ve changed methodology.
They have been a myriad of tweaks and changes throughout the entire PhD journey. Because of these, I have had to change my plans, change my timeline, go back to my Gantt chart and move things around.
And you know what? I’ve just accepted that that’s just part of the process.
Flexibility is key
I think being flexible is actually essential for Mamas navigating PhD journeys and dealing with the lemons that PhD life will throw. It’s not easy when you’re dealt these lemons… Life changes and the PhD journey doesn’t look the way you thought it would. The timelines are different. Things are taking longer and things are harder than you thought they would be…
But remember that the race isn’t for the swift. In fact, the race is not even for the strong. It’s for those who are ready, willing and able to ride the waves as they come and see it through.
What I do, is assess the damage and then I patch and play… I get back in that ring and give it all I’ve got!
Maybe you need to change your plan, but that doesn’t mean that it won’t happen for you. It doesn’t mean that it’s not possible.
So don’t you go messing with your purpose!
Remember, the race is not for the swift.
Prioritise self-care when PhD life throws you lemons
So when life throws us these lemons, what else can we do?
Well, the other thing that we can do, especially as Mamas, is to prioritise self-care.
Self care is not a luxury, it’s a necessity, especially for Scholarly Mamas.
When life gets challenging, make sure to prioritise looking after yourself. Take breaks, exercise, meditate and engage in activities that bring you joy. A well nurtured self is better equipped to handle the ups and downs of PhD life.
In short, when you look after yourself, you’ll be better equipped to turn those lemons into lemonade.
When PhD life throws you lemons, stay connected with your goals
So what else can we do when the PhD life wants to throw us lemons?
Well, the other thing we can do is to stay connected with our goals.
During challenging times, it’s easy to lose sight of your goals.
Take a moment to revisit why you embarked on this PhD journey in the first place. Connect with your passion for research and the positive impact that that will have on your field and your family’s future.
In other words, remember your ‘why’ and let that inspire you to keep going on this journey when PhD life wants to throw you lemons.
Don’t take it personally
I wanted to finish on this very last point on what you can do when the PhD life wants to throw you lemons. You know, when things are not working, when life is throwing you curveballs and you’ve got to change course, or take things slower, or take a different path.
Perhaps your PhD journey going in a different direction from what you imagined. If that’s you, remember that this doesn’t say anything about you. It doesn’t reflect on you. It’s not indication of your capability, of your potential, of what you actually can or cannot do, or even your outcome.
It’s simply that the PhD journey has taken a different path. So don’t take it personally…
Firstly, failure is not a life sentence and change is not failure. None of these things define your worth. Remember that your PhD is what you do. It’s not who you are. In fact, when you’re doing a PhD as a Mama, it’s only one small part of what you do. You are so much more than your PhD.
So don’t let the times where things don’t work as you expected them to or as you wanted them to, derail your entire journey.
Don’t take it personally, it’s not about you.
This is just something you’re doing and there’s always a way around whatever failure or change you experience on this journey. So do not let it define your worth.
Conclusion
And there you have it Mamas, my top tips on what to do when PhD life throws you lemons.
Remember that you are resilient, you’re capable, you can overcome any obstacle that comes your way on this journey. These lemons can be turned into the sweetest lemonade and you’ve got what it takes to do that.
I hope you found it helpful and please consider sharing it with fellow PhD mothers you know, who may be facing similar challenges.
If you’re looking for more personalised support on your PhD journey, especially if you are also navigating journeys of marriage or your relationships, as well as motherhood, don’t hesitate to book a discovery call. Let’s explore how we can work together through my coaching and membership services.
Until next time, Mama, much love and gratitude to you!
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