PhD thesis status: SUBMITTED!
Yes Mama, after 8 whole years and as a Mama of three, I’ve finally submitted my PhD thesis! So, I wanted to write this very, personal, special post for you. I want to share with you my very raw, honest, current, and in-the-moment reflection.
On Friday the 5th of May 2023 at 8:30 AM, I submitted my PhD thesis!
If you prefer to listen to this post as a podcast, please feel free to use the player below:
Before I get into those raw reflections, for those of you who are not familiar with the British, PhD process, this is how it works. I’ve submitted my thesis and so within the next three months or so, I will then have an oral viva/ oral defence/ oral exam to explain what I’ve done, why I’ve done what I’ve done, to defend it and justify all the steps I’ve taken. To just talk all about the work that I have done, basically.
This hasn’t happened yet, which means I’ve not technically finished my PhD. I’ve still got that go! But I’m actually looking forward to it. For me, it’s the one opportunity that I’ll get to talk about my work which I am so proud of and that I’m so excited by.
I put so much of myself into it.
I really worked my butt off throughout my PhD. So, part of me is looking forward to having the opportunity to share that and really go deep into it and talk about it.
So I’m looking forward to that in a few months time!
But for now, I have submitted my thesis.
Now, I have been working on this for over eight years! Not consistently because I had multiple interruptions during my PhD. I had two maternity leaves and I had an interruption due to the pandemic. And in total my interruptions probably add up to almost two and a half, almost three years.
So it is not been a consistent eight years. But from the time I began to now, has been over eight years. In this post, I just wanted to share with you all the thoughts that I had on Friday when I actually submitted my PhD thesis.
Where do I begin?
I don’t even know where to begin with this, honestly…
It’s a heavy, heavy load lifted.
I feel lighter.
You know what? I also feel a huge sense of relief. I feel satisfaction for the fact that I’ve gotten this far. That I’ve reached this milestone in my journey.
But there’s also that feeling of overwhelming joy.
And I’ve felt tearful at times with joy because you know it, this has been so, so hard. I don’t think that people really understand the gravity of what it means.
But there’s an even deeper reason for celebration right now. Let me share that with you.
A deeper reason for celebrating my PhD thesis submission
For me, this has always been about more than just doing a PhD or getting another degree.
It has had a deeper meaning and significance to me. The fact that I was able to complete this work, hopefully it will have an impact in the area of my PhD.
That’s my hope.
But also that I was able to complete this work, which I deeply care about in a way that is different from what is expected i.e. in a way that’s not typical in academia. I’ve been very intentional about navigating this journey by embracing the blend that it is. I’ve also recognised that other dimensions of myself are not hindrances to my success on this journey, but enhance my potential for success on this journey.
And one of the things that I am most proud of is that I did it purposefully. That I held on to what mattered to me. That I prioritised what mattered to me and I was still able to do justice to, or hopefully do justice, to work that is also important to me.
So, you know, to have that validation, I guess, or confirmation that this method works. This is something that I care so deeply about. It’s one of the reasons why I started Scholarly Mamas and will be launching that soon. I want other Mamas like you to know that, there’s a place for you if you want to do work that’s meaningful and purposeful.
Is there a place for me?
Yes, there’s a place for you.
There’s a place for your PhD journey, and there’s a place for YOU on your PhD journey.
Also, I wanted you to know that if you do decide to follow that route, you can do so in a different way. You don’t have to do it in a way that everybody else expects, or how the work/ academic culture expects. You could choose to do this purposefully.
I want you to know that you can really value the work that you do. You can also value what you bring as a mother, as someone who is juggling so many hats.
Mama, you may be someone who deeply cares and loves her family, and also someone who is resourceful, creative, can problem solve, and can demonstrate resilience.
You are all of those things!
And so me being able to reach this milestone signifies that this method is feasible. It DOES work. It worked for me and it can work for you as well. This milestone represents all the Mamas that I may unknowingly represent. It reminds us that we are not invisible and we are not incapable. We belong where we are and we deserve our place there.
Indeed, a day like today is worth every bit of celebration. It’s not the end of the journey, of course, but it’s a significant milestone on my journey, and one that’s worth every bit of celebration…
This is the purpose behind Scholarly Mamas. So if you want to know more about that, please do join the wait list for Scholarly Mamas. I’d love to have you in the Scholarly Mama community. And once you hop on the wait list, I will keep you posted as to when the doors open for Scholarly Mamas.
But anyway, I digress.
So that’s why this was so, so, so important to me.
And, that’s one of the reasons why it means so much, because it’s proof. It’s proof that you can do this without sacrificing what matters.
You can do this without sacrificing those things in your life that you value and you cherish and you care about, and the things that when this PhD season is over that you can come back to.
So you don’t want to diminish their value and importance just because you’re doing a PhD.
It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
First of all, that is one of the biggest celebrations, I guess it’s a celebration of wholeness. It’s a celebration of harmony. It’s a celebration of being able to navigate the struggle, struggle purposefully. For me, that’s what it’s about and that’s what it’s always been about.
How did I get here?
Let’s go into a bit more detail now on what the journey’s actually been like practically.
What did this actually look like for me? Let’s get into that.
I have been doing this PhD, as I said in one of my previous posts, as a minority in so many ways, there were so many times on this journey that I felt like I didn’t belong.
Either because of fact that I’m a racial minority or being a Mama and trying to juggle all of this.
Or having the same expectations as people who could perhaps put a lot more time and energy and effort into what they were doing than I could.
Trying to maintain a happy home life and, and marriage and just trying to keep it all together, I think, is incredibly, incredibly hard.
It’s beautiful and it’s rewarding and those aspects of my life bring me so much joy and make me so happy.
But it’s also really, really difficult to, to carry the burden of a as heavy as a PhD while navigating all the other journeys that I’m on.
This is why I talk about becoming purposefully whole. I feel like without that as a mission and without that as a goal, I could have easily lost my way. I could have easily become overwhelmed by this, or burnt out by it. Other aspects of my life might have suffered because of it.
And so having that North Star goal of becoming purposefully whole, for me, gives me and all the things I am doing validation that they have a place in my life and they’re not there to distract me from important work of my PhD.
They are the important work. My kids, my husband, my family life… they matter to me.
I value my family life.
It helps me to feel complete.
It helps me to feel like I am not just here, working my butt off doing a PhD, and then my, the rest of my life is falling into pieces. NO!
I didn’t want that. So I was very, very intentional about making sure that I navigated this journey with purpose.
I also wanted to show you that you can achieve your goals without sacrificing what matters!
You can achieve the the career goals or academic goals that you set for yourself. And you don’t have to forget about family or put everybody on the back burner or not do the things that bring you joy and make you happy, in order to do that.
Because those are the things that, when this journey is really tough — and it will be really tough — those are the things that help you to remember your ‘why’, that help you to keep going, to stay motivated, and to become the best version of whom you are becoming.
The journey to submitting my PhD thesis
So let me just give you a bit of a recap of what this journey has been like.
So before I started my PhD, I had an idea. I was working clinically and had some ideas around what I wanted to do in terms of a topic. I had some conversations with academics I knew about my ideas and how I could do a PhD.
I’d previously worked in lab research actually before becoming a dietician. I’d done some lab research many years ago, and I had the opportunity to do a PhD then, and I didn’t take it because I wasn’t sure I wanted to do a PhD in that particular area, it was in Haematology. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to do a PhD in that. So after qualifying as a dietician, I had some ideas around what I wanted to do.
You see, research has always been my thing. I’ve always had an affinity for it.
So I brainstormed some ideas and I started to look around for funding. And in that process I found a funder who I made a decision to apply to for funding for my PhD, and I was successful in, in doing that.
So I started my PhD.
I think that was in 2014, and then soon after that I took maternity leave when I became pregnant with our second son and took a break from my PhD.
I returned to my PhD after that break and I carried on with that all the way until COVID. I’ve talked about this in a previous post, but when COVID began, especially having to do the homeschooling and all that, it became increasingly difficult to also put in the work towards my PhD.
Plus, when you take an interruption, the clock stops basically on your PhD. So I decided that that’s what I was going to do, because I wasn’t really making any progress at that point. I was making progress up until that point. But once the pandemic hit and the, the homeschooling and everything started, I thought, “no, I think I need to take an interruption because, this is not going to work!”
So, that’s what I did.
Returning to my PhD thesis
I also became pregnant around that time, so immediately after my interruption ended, I then went into maternity leave. And what that meant was I had a very, very long time during which I had taken that break.
When I returned to my PhD at the end of 2021 and into the beginning of 2022, by that point, I had done most of my analysis and data collection, and so I just started to really hone in on the PhD thesis writing.
Now, I’d done some writing for my PhD thesis previously, but it wasn’t coherent, it wasn’t structured. It was kind of writing a bit here and there, writing thoughts, you know, reading and writing. I was reading and writing as I went along.
But at the beginning of 2022 was when I really thought, okay, it’s time to start really bringing everything together and start to write this actual PhD thesis. That’s when I really started seriously putting it together. And so it’s been about 16 months of solid writing!
I cannot believe it!
Yes, I’ve had a real life. Yes, I’ve had work outside of that and had a home life and all that stuff, but it still doesn’t really feel that long. But in reality, it is a long period of time to be writing one document!
My PhD thesis is one hundred thousand words. It’s huge! It’s a huge, huge document, but it’s something that I’m very, very, very proud of and I will always look back on this journey and think about how much it means.
Times I felt like giving up on my PhD thesis…
Let me tell you something…
I have felt like given up on this PhD thesis so many times! The only person who probably really, really knows what this has felt like for me as my husband. He will tell you, I have felt like giving up so many times.
But what I’ve realised actually is that it’s getting in your own head is the hardest thing to overcome in this journey?
I think PhD thesis writing’s hard. Yes, the research is hard. The juggle is hard.
All of those are really hard.
But I think the most difficult thing for me was mindset. It was overcoming my inner critic and really talking my myself. It was so easy to try and talk myself out of it. I would literally think “I don’t really need to do this PhD, I could do this instead. Or I could do that instead. I don’t really know if I want to be bothered with this anymore. It’s causing me so much stress.”
But actually, I think that I was getting in my own way and on reflection, what it really was, was that I needed to, I needed to remember my ‘why’.
Meaning beyond the titles
I’ve talked about a few times where I made that decision that no matter what, I am gonna navigate this journey purposefully because there has to be something deeper to keep me going along on this path.
Just becoming doctor, whoever, or having a another degree wasn’t enough…
My PhD is my fifth degree. I’ve got, you know, I’ve got enough degrees now to fill that gap. I don’t need this PhD to do that.
So it had to be deeper than that.
Being a first generation PhD is huge!
My parents do not have degrees. I was the first person in my family to have a degree actually on both sides, and so I didn’t have that example to lean on.
But what I did have was the motivation and determination to do it and to see it through.
What I did have was an opportunity to pursue a PhD in a topic of my choice, a topic that I care about and that I’m passionate about. It was such a beautiful and wonderful opportunity. And what I also had was perspective. I had clarity and perspective of what mattered to me… my core values. I knew what I was willing to and not willing to compromise on. And that really gave me such important perspective and also confidence to navigate this journey my way.
I am so happy when I look back and I reflect on the fact that I didn’t compromise on those things… my values and, and what mattered to me. And yet, I was still able to reach my goal of submitting my PhD thesis.
Of course the next goal is to do well in my viva and really see that as an opportunity to show my passion for what I’ve done, my interest, and my commitment to what I’ve done. An opportunity to just give it my absolute all.
So that’s what I intend to do and I am so pleased and happy to have you on this journey with me.
Especially knowing that this is a very scary thing, but you know what?
I believe in what I’m doing.
I believe in purpose, and that’s the approach I’ve taken the whole way through. So why should I change that now?
This stage is no different.
Staying motivated while writing my PhD thesis
There were a few things on this journey that really, really kept me going when all I wanted to do was give up.
And you know, a lot of people doing PhDs will share that experience of feeling at some point like, “Ugh, I don’t want to be bothered with this. I can’t do this!”
And I felt that as well.
But one of the things I want you to remember, Mama, is that you are capable of more than you think you’re capable of. I’ve learned so much about doing a PhD as a Mum and I can tell you that if I could do what I have done over such a long period of time, stay the course, stay motivated, stay consistent, and stay dedicated to what I was doing, even when I faced what felt like the most insurmountable challenges, I know for a fact that other people can do it too.
But I think the important thing to remember is that it’s not just about achieving a goal and reaching that end point and getting to the outcome.
That’s really not my approach.
I think there’s so much growth that can happen on the journey!
And also the goal here isn’t to just achieve a degree, it’s about becoming purposefully whole. So paying attention to other aspects of, of your life, of your growth, of your development, and of your joy and what brings you that joy.
I think is really important to distinguish between achievement and purpose.
There’s a difference.
For me personally, the most beautiful moments along this journey have been… my kids. They know that I’ve been working really hard to get my PhD thesis finished and I have actually been working very hard to do that.
So I was in the lounge one day recently, just having a chat with them. Their dad was at work.
They were saying to me, “Mummy, how much longer have you got on your PhD”? And I said, well, not much longer because I’m just trying to finish up my PhD thesis –but, you know, it’s so hard”. They both looked at me and they said, “don’t worry, Mummy, you can do it. Just keep going. You can do it!”
And they came over to me and they hugged me, and all I did was just burst into tears. I could not even contain the emotion because here I was looking after my three amazing sweethearts, and they’re saying to me, “Mummy, you can do it. Keep going. You got this. You can do it. Mommy, we believe in you!” They were saying that stuff to me and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that there was no way that I was not going to do this because my kids needed to see that even when things are hard, they can do hard stuff.
If I can do it, they can do it, and may be that “it” may be something different for them.
But I wanted them to see that just because something is hard does not mean it’s impossible. On the day that I submitted, I came downstairs and they knew that I was going to submit it that day because I told them I was going to.
They said, “that is soooooo amazing. That is so, so amazing. Mummy, we are so proud of you!”
And honestly, my heart just melted.
It just melted because I knew I’d finally done what I said I was going to do.
Why submitting my PhD thesis has left a hole
The other emotion that I felt on Friday was this: this PhD has been such a constant in my life for the last eight years. Even when I was on maternity leave and even when I was on interruption from COVID, it was never far from my thoughts.
Today I’m creating this post, a day after submitting my PhD, and even today it’s like I I feel like, “where’s a PhD gone? Oh my goodness. You submitted it!”
I literally woke up this morning. I thought, “did I actually submit my PhD yesterday? Did I actually do that?”
I couldn’t even believe it. I had to remind myself that, that I did!
Here’s the thing about doing a PhD. It’s such a long journey!
I know some of you may be doing your PhDs full-time. As you know, I did not. I did my PhD part-time, but I know that even if you are doing your PhD full-time, the fact that it’s such a long period of time compared to something like a Master’s degree. With a Master’s you may get it done and dusted in a year or two, but a PhD is over such a long period of time, it really does become a significant part of your life.
Even when you’re in the final stages of that journey, it still feels like you’re saying goodbye to something. Like you’re breaking up with something or someone. I know that sounds really strange to say, but it’s been such a constant. To not have that on my shoulders anymore feels, in some ways, yes, it’s a load lifted, but also it feels like it has left a bit of a void.
Almost like, “where has it gone? Oh, my PhD is submitted. Oh my goodness. I can’t quite believe that!” So that will take some adjusting, but that’s not the kind of adjusting that I’m gonna have a problem with. I’m welcoming that adjustment!
Thank you and conclusions
So I just wanted to take a moment and share my reflections and raw reflections.
I’ve not prepared any of this in advance. I’m just sharing my raw reflections on what this means to me and to just share that joy with you. I’m just happy and full of gratitude for all of the support that I’ve had on this journey, especially my husband and the boys, and my family.
Everybody that has just encouraged me, my friends… I am just so grateful for all of you and I am just given so much thanks to God for the strength and the tenacity to see this through to the end.
I am now looking forward to my viva.
Of course, I will keep you updated on that and whatever the outcome, I am going to be grateful and just do what I need to do.
So that has been my raw reflection of what it feels like to submit a PhD thesis after eight years while juggling marriage, family life, marriage home life.
I’m just so grateful for the journey. I’m just so, so grateful for the journey that this has been and continues to be.
So, Mama, that’s it for this post!
I hope you enjoyed it, and I cannot wait to see you in the next one. Until then, I’m sending you lots of love and gratitude!
These are our journeys of becoming!
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