Updated 15.5.23: As a mum of boys who also happens to be a Scholarly Mama, do I face a unique set of challenges? I don’t know. As you know, on this platform, we talk about all things Marriage, Motherhood and PhD because as Scholarly Mamas, we are constantly juggling all of these things. So in this post, I want to share my unconventional truth about being a mum of boys.
If you’d rather listen to this post as a podcast, please use the player below to tune in:
What my journey so far as a mum of three boys has taught me is that, in motherhood, the challenges we face are less to do with managing ‘boyhood’ itself and more to do with our perceptions of managing ‘boyhood’. So if you are new to the world of being a mum of boys and you’re willing to challenge your thinking about how hard your journey might or might not be based on your assumptions, then this blog post is for you! If you’re new around here, thank you for stopping by.
There are so many societal expectations regarding the behaviour of boys, namely aggression, risk-taking and high energy levels. If you’re a brand new boy mum, you may feel unprepared for the wild rodeo you’re embarking on. I’m not going to lie, being a mum of boys is not always easy. You won’t always know what they need to grow and develop into healthy, happy adults, especially if you’re from a family dominated by girls. But now that I’ve been a mum for over 12 years, I wanted to reflect critically on what it means to be a mum of boys.
Becoming A Boy Mum
To be honest, becoming a boy mum wasn’t something I thought much about before having kids. I think it’s because I was so used to having mainly girls in my family growing up, that maybe I just assumed that when we had kids of our own that we would have girls. I know, silly me! But let me explain. You see, my maternal grandmother only has grandaughters. There are no grandsons on that side of my family. In fact, when my husband and I had our first son, he was the first boy in the family for over 40 years! So it was indeed a pleasant surprise for us, and for our extended family too!
Growing up, I always had a maternal inclination. From looking after my little sister and younger cousins (female) to being the resident “babysitter” at my church during services, I always wanted to have children of my own one day. So I was beyond thrilled when we became pregnant with our first child over 12 years ago. But when my husband and I found out we were having a boy, I remember saying to him… “but I have no experience looking after baby boys!” I felt like I needed a manual to do this job which I felt totally unprepared for. This was such unfamiliar territory for me.
Fast forward 12+ years and I am now a blessed mum of three boys! My God has a sense of humour like that. Hahaha. However, I trust His every plan for my motherhood journey. He saw it fit to bless our family with three bundles of “boy” and I’m not here to question it. Even if I don’t fully understand why I have all boys, they have been such a blessing. I have a front-row seat to their journey through life and have been gifted this time to get to know and love all three of them unconditionally. They each enhance my life in ways I could never have imagined!
Assumptions About Being A Mum of Boys
I was chatting with another boy-mum recently as we were planning our upcoming meet-up. We don’t get the opportunity to meet up often and with the pandemic and various lockdowns, it had been quite a few years since our sons interacted with each other. But as we chatted on the phone recently, she said something that really got me thinking. In fact, it was the catalyst for this blog post. She wanted to let me in on something unexpected but very important that I absolutely “needed to know” before the meet-up. I invited her to share openly. She wanted me to know that when we meet, her son may not behave as I may expect. I was so taken aback by this comment that I had to challenge her assumptions (and mine).
I pondered for a moment.
Were there certain assumptions about being a mum of boys? As a mum of three boys, what did she think I expected? Why did she feel the need to make this announcement?
It’s true that as a young mum of only one child, perhaps she didn’t have the benefit of experience and hindsight. So I discussed, without judgement, some of these questions with her as we continued our chat. She explained that her son was a “boy-boy” and was very active, rough and masculine. “He won’t sit quietly and read or any of that stuff”, she warned. She went on to explain that he was very into his football training and really enjoyed activities “like that”. “He isn’t exactly the quiet type”, she added. She said was enjoying being a “football mum”.
As I listened to her, I reflected deeply on her words, all of which I can’t honestly recall as I write this. But I do remember how it made me feel and the thoughts that consumed me within that moment. I took everything she said at face value and tried not to take any of it personally. But it made me realise how society imposes expectations of boys that we internalise as mums of boys without even knowing it. It wasn’t that her son was active, energetic and boisterous (according to her) that was problematic, but the perceived undertone that he needed to be because this was typical behaviour of boys. Of course, there is no shortage of survival tips on the internet on how to “cope with having boys”.
Stereotypes are everywhere. Let me name a few here:
- Raising sons requires different parenting skills
- Raising boys requires more patience, understanding, and love
- Boys are more active than girls and need more physical activity and playtime to keep them happy and healthy.
- They are tougher and more aggressive than girls
- Sons get more angry and frustrated than daughters
- They are less emotional than girls
- Boys are more adventurous, risk-taking and exploratory than girls
Even in my own Caribbean culture, I’ve heard comments like “boys don’t cry”, “boys are tough”, “he would like that [activity] as he’s a boy” or even “he needs to toughen up a bit more, boys aren’t so soft”.
Now, I am not here to get into the psychology of gender differences and all that jazz. Nor am I here to get into cultural influences on the behaviour of boys or girls. I am just here as a mum of three boys, to challenge the assumptions we make about raising boys.
Challenging Stereotypes About Being A Mum of Boys
Mama, these narrow stereotypes about raising boys do not serve us. And they certainly do not serve our sons. Our sons don’t need society-imposed boxes to fit into because of their gender.
I want to challenge these stereotypes particularly because I too had them until became a mum of boys myself! It’s always easy to formulate all sorts of ideas until you’re actually on the journey yourself.
I have three sons, and they all have different personalities. Our eldest son is mostly very quiet and introverted, our middle son is a little bit more outgoing and sociable and our baby boy seems somewhere in between (so far at least).
What really matters to me is that I help them discover their own interests and talents. I want them to be able to find something that they’re passionate about because I know that when you do that, you’re more likely to be happy with yourself and who you are as a person. My husband and I try to give them opportunities where they can just be themselves rather than forcing them to be something that they are not. I’m learning how to love each of my sons equally whilst still celebrating their differences and individuality. They have different interests, personalities and strengths and we want them to each shine in their own unique ways.
So these stereotypes are not helpful. Our sons don’t need boxes. The unconventional truth is that our sons just need a safe space to be themselves. They need to be allowed to cry without ridicule. Emotional sensitivity should not be perceived as a weakness. Nor should raising them should be perceived as ‘hard work’ just because they are boys. They don’t need to feel that they always need to be tough. Maybe they don’t love football or rugby. They may enjoy the artistic flair of drawing or the intellectual challenge of reading! They should be encouraged to pursue their passions. Their unique talents should be celebrated. They need acceptance and reassurance that they are awesome just the way they are. Check out this inspiring YouTube playlist I created with one of my sons with helpful affirmations you may wish to share with your kids.
When we teach our sons to fit these stereotypes, we are essentially sending them messages that they are not good enough as they are. This gives rise to men who carry around feelings of low self-worth and inadequacy. Men with poor emotional intelligence and lack of experience in expressing themselves effectively and respectfully. Boys who believe they are not good enough will become men who carry these childhood insecurities into adult relationships, which may potentially fail as a result. No mother wants this for her sons.
These stereotypes are not helpful. Our sons don’t need boxes. The unconventional truth is that sons just need a safe space to be themselves.
Mrs Mummy PhD
But we as boy mums need to cut ourselves a bit of slack too! Let’s make fewer assumptions about what it is like to raise boys. We too are on a unique journey through motherhood. No, we won’t always get it right and that’s okay. We will fail, learn and grow on this journey. So, rather than hijacking our motherhood journey with these unhelpful stereotypes, let’s focus on spending quality time with our boys and fostering unbreakable mother-son bonds that will teach our sons how to understand boundaries, respect other people’s property, beliefs and personal space as well as take care of themselves.
I am certainly not here to profess that I have always gotten this right, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I won’t ever give up always trying to do better.
Raising Boys To Be The Best Versions Of Themselves
Now that we’ve thrown out those assumptions about being mums of boys, let’s move on to the good part. Here are some tips on how we can raise our boys to be the best possible versions of themselves.
1) Encourage them to express their emotions by creating a safe space for them to do so. This could be through 1:1 conversation, drawing, colouring and doodling, writing in a journal, or whatever other creative outlet they prefer to use. If you didn’t know, I wrote a picture book series as a labour of love for my boys which encourages kids’ creative expression. Check out my children’s books here.
2) Encourage them to think about their future and what they want to do with their lives. This helps them to think about their talents and strengths in a positive way and affirms feelings of self-worth. Encourage them to step outside of their comfort zone from time to time and lead by example.
3) Allow them to have time for themselves. The ability to self-reflect is worth its weight in gold. Teaching children how to reflect on their experiences opens the door for a two-way conversation about their thoughts and feelings because they can begin to learn how to organise their thoughts so they can express them to you.
4) Carve out 1:1 mother-son time. Set aside some special time to do something with your son that helps you two to connect. This may be different for every mother and son duo, and can even be different for each son within the family, as I’ve found out.
5) Teach them how to cook and clean up after themselves. Gone are the days when cooking and cleaning skills were a thing to only teach girls. Boys need to know how to look after themselves too. This avoids them depending on a future partner to look after their basic needs. Rigid gender roles in marriage are antiquated. So better yet, teach them to serve others! It’s through acts of service that they can truly appreciate all the things others do for them with humility and gratitude.
6) Let them have a say in what happens around the house. Show them that you value their input. It will help them to feel like a valued member of the family and demonstrates how to co-habitate respectfully.
7) Teach them about consent and respect for others. They must learn to respect boundaries. They should also be shown how to respect differences of opinion, belief, culture and background. Let’s raise our little citizens of the world to become change-makers who will make meaningful contributions to society.
Final Thoughts On Boy Motherhood
I hope you enjoyed this short discourse on the experience of being a mum of boys. I hope it helped you to challenge any assumptions or expectations you had of what the journey is or could be like. My journey so far has certainly done that for me!
The unconventional truth is that being a mum of boys is just being a mum.
Mrs Mummy PhD
As a mum, remember that you play a crucial role in shaping the future of your sons. You are the first and most important person for them to learn from. As such, it is important to build a strong connection with them and let them know that they are loved. May your boys grow up knowing that you were not a perfect mother, but one who always tried her best and loved them unconditionally.
Your love and care will contribute significantly to the journey of their lives. As mums of boys, we have a special place in the hearts of our sons. Never underestimate the power of that love. The unconventional truth is that being a mum of boys is simply being a mum.
What has your motherhood journey been like so far? Any survival secrets? Go ahead and spill all the tea in the comments below!
Remember, these are our Journeys of Becoming!
This is worth its weight in gold. Authentic valuable reflections. Also great points for raising children, boys and girls.
Thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughts! 🙂