Updated 27.8.23: Are you feeling overwhelmed trying to balance it all? Are you an ambitious, driven Scholarly Mama who wears many hats? Let me ask you this Mama… what’s that superwoman cape actually costing you?
Often as early career researchers and professional women, we believe that we can ‘successfully’ climb the academic career ladder while balancing rich, and fulfilling personal lives.
But we often fall very short of this ideal. Rather than living the superwoman dream, we’re leading busy, chaotic lives and walking around feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, and achieving none of the above.
The pressure on us to achieve the perfect balance as Scholarly Mamas wearing many hats can be overwhelming in itself.
By the way, if you prefer to listen to this blog post as a podcast episode (it’s an enhanced version of this blog), please feel free to use the player below:
More productivity tips anyone?
Rather than a purposeful existence in which we can be truly present for the moments that matter, we become overworked, planner-obsessed, constantly on the go and leaving us feeling like we are never good enough. So if you’re simply looking for more productivity tips, I’m afraid this blog post isn’t for you!
Mama, no amount of scheduling, planning or time blocking will shift that overwhelmed feeling if an internal transformation isn’t happening as well. Mindset shifts away from the busyness and productivity obsession toward a more purposeful, value-aligned, intentional Scholarly Mama life are so much more transformative.
If you’re constantly feeling overwhelmed, maybe it’s not more productivity and time management tips and tricks that you need. Perhaps it’s giving yourself permission to pause and slow down a bit so that you can design and pursue a life you truly love and one that brings you joy and fulfilment.
Let me share an experience with you.
When busyness becomes overwhelming
I remember a few years back, when I was in sinking into the throes of the Christmas busyness and feeling overwhelmed by all there was to get done. Christmas time is usually my absolute favourite time of year! But it’s also an extremely busy time for most of us and one that can bring on feelings of overwhelm as Scholarly Mamas. It’s easy to feel the weight of the world on our shoulders. From the academic deadlines to the Christmas meal planning and gift shopping, I was an overwhelmed, shambolic mess. Not to mention the departmental Christmas party and the school Christmas plays. All these demands just compound the overwhelm!
So as I write this post, my mind takes me back to one December evening in particular. As I sat in the office, in the busy city of London, the early winter sunset was bringing the daylight to an end. It was almost time to pack my bag and begin my commute home to pick up the kids from nursery and after-school club.
With my mind firmly fixed on getting out of London and back to my husband and our boys, I wandered over to my plans for the next day when I needed to attend our son’s Christmas school performance at his school.
My lengthy to-do list interrupted these thoughts.
I had a long list of PhD-related tasks I needed to complete before the university broke up for the holidays. I also needed to pick up gifts for the nursery staff and school teachers, finish the Christmas gift shopping for the boys, schedule that dentist appointment, write the grocery shopping list, go to the supermarket, and register the extended warranty on the new dishwasher, plus a million other things.
Torn, conflicted and overwhelmed
With all these thoughts circulating, I packed my bag, made a final dash to the restroom, popped on my coat and began to make my way to the train station. As I walked to that train station, I felt like a robotic shell with a dying battery, just running on empty. I’d been feeling like this for a few weeks and it was beginning to take its toll.
Incidentally, the next day was also my department’s Christmas party, which most of my doctoral colleagues were attending.
The office atmosphere was lit with excitement.
Everyone was winding down for the holidays and counting down to the party. It was a chance to finally chill with colleagues and release all that built-up stress of the PhD grind. Everyone was looking forward to the mince pies, mulled wine and Secret Santa gift exchange.
But for me, I had much more than a Christmas party to think about. It was time to make some decisions.
I reflected on my priorities at that moment and how I felt about everything on my mind.
I felt torn, conflicted and overwhelmed all at once.
How on earth would I get all the things on my to-do list done? I needed a plan.
Acknowledging the overwhelm
Perhaps I could skip the Christmas party, call the dentist on the train, and register the dishwasher from my phone on the commute. Once I’ve done that, I could then write the shopping list on my grocery app while still on the train, fly through the supermarket, pick up the nursery staff gifts from there as a one-stop-shop, and then get back to my son’s Christmas performance. I would potentially arrive at the school a completely frazzled, depleted Mama but at least I would be there in the flesh right? Then later that evening, after the boys were in bed, I could sit down at the computer and do some academic work.
Or maybe I should attend the Christmas party so no one would think I was being anti-social, and work everything else around that. I could get all the other things done later in the evening when I got home, I told myself. After all, I could do most of the shopping online, can’t I? But what about my son’s Christmas performance?
Then it suddenly hit me. As much as it was hard to admit, I was a total shambolic mess. I was feeling completely overwhelmed. Exhausted and totally spent were the best words to describe me. I began to reflect on why I was feeling this way. I knew deep down that it was time to step back and evaluate. It was time to let go.
I am sharing this story here because I know these feelings are not uncommon for Scholarly Mamas. We wear so many hats and try to be all things to all people, spreading ourselves thin without admission. But how can we do better? How can we sustain these busy lives without burning out? Can we?
Allow me to share 3 helpful tweaks that helped me shift the overwhelm in that all too familiar season of utter desperation.
Feeling overwhelmed tweak 1: Work out the root cause of the overwhelm
Mama, firstly work out the root cause of the overwhelm. As you reflect on this, take a moment (and a few deep breaths) and ask yourself the following questions:
What is the single most burdensome task on your list?
Which item(s) on your to-do list can be taken off your list with minimal consequence?
What is the root cause of your overwhelm?
Where do you need to and where can you make the most meaningful changes?
Can you pinpoint the major sources of your overwhelm?
Be very honest as you answer these questions.
Is it the sheer number of tasks?
Or is it the intensity and mental work required for each task?
Is there limited time available?
Let’s be honest, no one has enough time. There are only 24 hours in one day and 10 million things to do in that time. So where can you loosen things up a bit?
Understanding what our major stresses are can help us manage the overwhelm. Of course, we’d all love to have a tidy house, keep up with the laundry and prepare the healthiest meals every day of the week.
But let’s be truthful with ourselves, this is not realistic when you’re a Scholarly Mama balancing it all. Life happens and you don’t quite make the mark on many an occasion. I call it the juggle struggle and if you’ve been around here long enough, you’ll know that one of my secrets has always been to focus flexibly. If you have a major deadline and you’re nearly there, give it the final push and leave the laundry for another day. If the task is huge and feels insurmountable, break it down into smaller, more manageable micro-tasks and tackle them one at a time. I’ve not been afraid of asking for help or renegotiating deadlines if need be. But I’ve not been afraid to set firm boundaries either. As my dad always says, sometimes the “home drums beat first”!
Rooted in fear
When I was crumbling beneath the weight of my life’s chaos, I realised that the people-pleasing fear of saying ‘no’ was adding to the overwhelm. It was the feeling that I would be letting people down that was also paralysing me. So once I pinpointed the source of my overwhelm, rooted in fear, it was time to find a way to alleviate it.
In trying to find a way out of this, what I needed was to decide what mattered to me most. What were the non-negotiables? Which carried deeper personal meaning for me? What would I regret most if I didn’t follow through? What could I afford to let go of?
For me, there were two essentials. Firstly, it was attending my son’s Christmas performance and secondly, it was getting my PhD work done before that pre-Christmas deadline. And so, firstly, the drums of motherhood, to be present for my son, beat louder than ever.
It was time for me to move on to the second tweak.
Feeling overwhelmed tweak 2: Let go of perfectionism
Oh, my old friend perfectionism! Mama, you go to let it go!
Letting go of the pressure to be the perfect wife, mother, daughter, and even Scholarly Mama was the most liberating thing I’ve ever done! I realised that not only was I trying to do everything, but I was trying to perfect everything. This was burning me out slowly. And if you’re a recovering overachiever and perfectionist like me, I’m sure you can fully relate!
This chasing of perfection can really wear a Scholarly Mama down! If you answer yes to this next question, then I’m afraid that you are probably also singing from the perfectionist hymn sheet. So here goes… Have you ever felt like your tasks were so huge and so insurmountable that even working up the energy to make a start at them is a whole stress-inducing ordeal?
Yes?
Great, then you’re my people!
But seriously Mama, if you’re finding yourself making unusual mountains out of molehills, then maybe that’s why you are feeling overwhelmed. But remember that there is strength in letting go of perfectionism and recognising that you are enough – even with your imperfections.
Perfection doesn’t exist!
Perfectionism can be rampant in marriage, motherhood and academia but especially in balancing it all!
But here’s the thing: Chasing perfection is futile because, in so doing, we risk losing the essence of the very things we are trying to achieve. More importantly, we risk unloving ourselves. So here’s to letting go and embracing all the imperfections! Here’s to loving who we are, and who we are becoming!
Mama, you can’t do everything and you certainly can’t do everything perfectly. Let go of perfectionism and focus on becoming your best self.
When you put less energy into chasing perfection and instead, pour that energy into becoming a purposefully whole Mama, you will be empowered to live a more authentic and fulfilling life by positioning yourself for growth in areas that truly matter to you. That’s the beauty of imperfections, so why not embrace them?
So after identifying my main stressors and parking the perfectionism, there is one more tweak that helped me.
Feeling overwhelmed tweak 3: Carry yourself with grace, intention and purpose
We can’t always choose when we have dilemmas like this, but when we can, we should go with grace, intention and purpose.
I continued to ponder upon it all on my commute home. I finally made the decision that I would prioritise attending my son’s Christmas performance. But even this made me think… If I was going to show up at my son’s Christmas play as a frazzled-out, fraction of a human being, what would be the point? He wouldn’t want a mere shell of his Mama there, would he? He deserved a purposefully whole Mama showing up, in mind, body and spirit!
So I had to make an intentional decision to prioritise my commitments, give myself grace and choose purpose over omnipresence. Sometimes it’s easy to get lost in the overwhelm. It’s easy to lose sight of our purposeful intentions when we are being bombarded with so many competing demands. The tug is real and if we don’t recognise that and own it, we will be inevitably consumed by it. Acting with grace, intention and purpose allowed me to set firm boundaries for myself and free my mind of guilt.
I didn’t waste my energy wishing I had no responsibilities. Many of my doctoral colleagues didn’t even have kids. But we all know that comparison is the thief of joy. So I stopped comparing my situation to anyone else. I refused to feel guilty for not attending the work Christmas party. Sometimes you just have to accept that you can’t be everything for everyone. I had to accept that I could not be in two places at once and that my son needed his Mama and I was going to do what was necessary to be there for him. My presence at his school play carried much greater meaning for me personally. I purposed myself to be there for my son.
I continued on that crowded train home, affirmed in my decision.
What if you turn out to be right?
As an interesting side note, before the Christmas play, every child in the school was asked to draw an appropriately themed picture and submit it for a competition. The winning picture would be featured on the cover of the printed programmes handed out to parents attending the play as they arrived.
I can’t tell you the joy and pride I felt when I arrived at that play only to see my son’s drawing on the cover of the programme! He’d poured his little heart and soul into it and his hard work paid off!
A tear slowly trickled down my cheek.
Later that evening, as I was putting my son to bed, his little arms stretched as far wide as they could, embracing my tired back and shoulders. He held me tightly with his little fingers, as he placed his head gently on my left shoulder. I hugged him back, just as tightly.
In that moment of silence between us, I forgot all about the things I didn’t do. Somehow they didn’t matter to me anymore. I paused and then hugged him a little tighter.
“I was so nervous today but I felt better when I saw you there. So glad you came. I love you so much, Mummy,” he whispered to me, in a tired, croaky voice.
“Me too, son. Wouldn’t have had it any other way. I love you too!” I replied.
That was all the confirmation I needed that I’d made the right choice.
The ‘overwhelm’ tugs are real but grit and grace can still co-exist
Now, I accept that in the grand scheme of things, the choices I faced were not life-changing ones. There were several things on my to-do list that could have waited and the world would have kept spinning, sure. But I hope you can see the wider application of the principles outlined in this blog post. You may be facing bigger and more life-altering decisions, I know because I face them too, but these tweaks have helped me to balance the tugs and I hope they can help you too.
On our Scholarly Mama journeys, we will be constantly bombarded with demands that will cause us to doubt our grit and resilience. We want to excel in academia, we want to thrive in motherhood and we want our relationships to blossom. But we can get our priorities in the wrong order sometimes, leaving us overwhelmed and devoid of the grace we often tell others to give themselves.
I believe that grit and grace can co-exist. Just because I have kids doesn’t mean I can’t pursue my dreams, and just because I am pursuing my dreams, doesn’t mean my kids don’t come first. As a Scholarly Mama, I can possess the grit and resilience needed to persevere, while also giving myself the grace to slow down, reflect and make some necessary, internal tweaks to help me find more peace and harmony on this journey. What will help me become the best version of myself? It’s that grit and grace.
Internal transformations, externally manifested
We search high and low for all the tips and tricks for balancing our many hats and having it all but the search ultimately begins within.
Transformations happen internally before they manifest externally.
So start there, Mama.
Growth can’t happen without change. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. But sometimes it’s our aversion to change that holds us back from experiencing true growth.
Yet, we want to change our trajectory…
I hope these three little tweaks will help you to begin the journey of doing just that.
Final thoughts on coping with feeling overwhelmed
In closing, as you embark on ditching the overwhelm and becoming purposefully whole, I hope you’ll find these three little tweaks helpful. If you are a Scholarly Mama balancing it all and feeling overwhelmed, don’t carry the burden alone. Reach out to a community of like-minded individuals who share your values. Perhaps our Scholarly Mamas community is a good place to start. There you can join me and other Scholarly Mamas on the journeys of becoming the best version of ourselves! I am thankful that my journeys have led me to this place… the place where success is redefined and purpose is valued over prestige or perfection.
I hope you can permit yourself to begin that journey too! Not when you finish your PhD, not when you fully establish that academic career, not when you build that business, not when the kids are all grown up, but today. You deserve that gift. You are enough and you got this Mama!
If you’re up for a fun quiz to discover what you’re purposeful Scholarly Mama trait truly is, check out my quiz below!
Finally, if you enjoyed this blog post, why not share it with another Scholarly Mama you know?
Until next time,
These are our journeys of becoming!
Leave a Reply