As I sit here listening to Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” playing on the radio, I can’t help but reflect on an interesting fact my husband recently shared: Carey continues to earn substantial royalties from this holiday classic year after year. It’s a powerful reminder of the importance of creating lasting legacies – though perhaps not in the way academics typically define them.
This reflection comes at a particularly poignant time. Recently, I came across a social media post that struck a chord with me. A fellow researcher expressed their unwavering focus on publications, citations, and grants, justifying it as “that’s how you’re measured in academia.”
I’ll be honest – it broke my heart a little.
As someone who has spent over two decades pursuing multiple degrees and achieving a bit of academic success in those pursuits, I want to share something that took me years to understand, something I wish someone had told me in my late teens or twenties: Success isn’t what academia tells us it is.
By the way, if you prefer to listen to this topic as a podcast, please feel free to use the player below or tune in wherever you usually get your podcasts:
The Hidden Cost of Academic Metrics
That laser focus on external success metrics? It’s a one-way ticket to burnout. It’s the express route to missing moments that truly matter, to waking up one day wondering where all the time has gone. I’ve seen this truth manifest in various ways throughout my academic journey.
Just two years ago, we lost a dear friend to cancer unexpectedly. He went from being hospitalised just before Christmas to passing away within three weeks, from a cancer he didn’t even know he had. These experiences – losing loved ones to cancer, to accidents, watching parents age, seeing friends face unexpected health challenges – they change you. They force you to confront what truly matters in life.
What Really Matters?
Let me tell you something profound: When you’re sitting in a hospital waiting room, you don’t think about your publication record. The impact factor of your last published paper doesn’t flash before your eyes. That prestigious grant you’re chasing? It suddenly seems far less important.
What matters in those moments are:
- The relationships you’ve nurtured
- The memories you’ve created
- The love you’ve given and received
- The connections you’ve made with your children
- The time spent with aging parents
Choosing Presence Over Productivity
During my PhD journey, I made a conscious choice every Christmas. Instead of working through the holiday break or sneaking in “just one more revision” between family gatherings, I chose presence. I chose connection. I allowed my academic work to be just that – work. Not my identity. Not my worth. Just one part of a rich, full life.
Yes, this perspective might seem rare in academia. It might even feel counterintuitive. But I’ve never been more certain that this is the path to not just surviving, but truly thriving as a scholar, a mother, and a human being.
Redefining Success This Holiday Season
And so, as a Scholarly Mama, I challenge you to measure success differently this holiday season:
- Count cuddles with your kids instead of citations
- Value quiet moments with aging parents over publication counts
- Prioritise making memories over grant applications
- Focus on building family connections rather than conference presentations
I recently heard from someone who had just completed their PhD, only to realise they’d missed out on so much of their children’s growth during those years. They found themselves having to reintroduce themselves to their own family after being nearly absent while pursuing their PhD. This isn’t the legacy we want to leave.
Creating Space for What Matters
Mama, I believe purpose isn’t found in endless productivity. It’s found in those moments when we’re fully present, fully engaged, fully alive. This Christmas, try something radical: measure your days not by tasks completed, but by connections deepened.
Here’s a practical suggestion: Keep a different kind of journal this holiday season. Instead of tracking research progress and deadlines, track:
- Moments of joy
- Meaningful conversations
- Heart-warming hugs
- Quiet moments that filled your cup
Most importantly, give yourself permission to enjoy it. Let go of the guilt that says you should be working. Release the pressure to be productive. Your work will still be there in January – I promise you that! But these precious moments with your loved ones? They’re fleeting. They’re now.
A Personal Reminder
As I was preparing to write this, I received a call about my dad being in a car accident. Thankfully, everyone was okay, but it served as yet another reminder of how fleeting life can be. These moments remind us why it’s more than okay to put people before your PhD.
Remember, you’re not just raising a family – you’re creating memories. You’re not just pursuing a PhD – you’re pursuing a life worth living. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is close that laptop, open your arms, and let yourself be fully present in the messy, unpredictable, imperfect, beautiful moments that make this Scholarly Mama life worth living.
All I Want For Christmas and Beyond
As for me and my house, all we want for Christmas is more of the same – more joy, more love, more time together to build memories and be present. That’s what we’re cultivating. That’s where our energy goes. That’s what truly matters.
You’re not behind. You’re exactly where you need to be. The PhD will come, you’ll reach the end, you’ll become “doctor” – but when you look back, make sure it’s not just full of regrets.
This holiday season, let’s measure success differently. Let’s count hugs instead of citations. Let’s value presence over productivity. Let’s choose love over publications. Because in the end, that’s what truly matters.
And if you’re feeling lonely or struggling this holiday season, remember you’re not alone. Reach out to someone – whether it’s family, friends, or even fellow Scholarly Mamas. We’re all in this together, creating our own unique journeys of becoming.
Much love and gratitude to you!
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