As a Mama pursuing a PhD, it’s very easy to get caught up in the end goal. We often tell ourselves, “When I finish my PhD, then I’ll [fill in the blank]…” But what if I told you that the real success isn’t in reaching the destination, but in how you navigate the journey? First, I’ll share a story that perfectly illustrates this, Then, I’ll show you how to find success and joy in the journey itself, all while navigating and thriving in Scholarly Motherhood.
Let get into the story…
By the way, if you’d rather listen to my podcast episode on this topic, please feel free to use the player below:
The Cave: A Metaphor for the PhD Journey
Recently, during a family trip to Barbados, we visited the Animal Flower Cave. As we descended the impossibly steep stairs into this dark, damp space, I couldn’t help but draw parallels between this experience and the PhD journey for Scholarly Mamas.
In the cave, your initial instinct is to look down, watching every step to avoid slipping on the mossy, wet rocks. The darkness feels all-encompassing, isolating. Sound familiar? This is often how we approach our PhD journey – heads down, focused solely on the next step, feeling isolated and overwhelmed.
But here’s where it got interesting…
When I finally lifted my head in that cave, I discovered something remarkable – a window to the ocean, letting in streams of light that transform the entire space. Suddenly, the dark, confining cave opened up to reveal breathtaking views and new perspectives.
The Mindset Shift: From Destination to Journey
This cave experience perfectly encapsulates the mindset shift that every Scholarly Mama needs to make. When we focus solely on the destination – the completed PhD – we risk missing out on the growth, learning, and joy that can be found along the way.
Here’s why this shift matters:
- Fixed vs. Growth Mindset: When success is seen as a destination, it creates a fixed mindset. You become boxed into thinking, “I’ll be successful only when I achieve this goal.” But when you view success as the journey, you open yourself up to a growth mindset, embracing development and learning at every stage.
- Flexibility vs. Rigidity: Destination-focused thinking leads to inflexible goals. Journey-focused thinking allows for adaptation and reprioritisation as needed, acknowledging that life (especially with children) rarely follows a straight path.
- Wholeness vs. Fragmentation: By embracing the journey, you give yourself permission to be whole – to be both a scholar and a mother, rather than putting one identity on hold for the other.
Finding Light in the Dark: Practical Steps
So, how do you make this mindset shift? Here are some practical steps:
1. Lift Your Head Up
Just like in the cave, sometimes you need to stop focusing solely on the next overwhelming step and look around. I know it feels safer to keep your head down, to concentrate only on the next deadline, the next chapter, the next supervision meeting. But Mama, there’s so much you’re missing when you do this.
When we’re knee deep in our PhD journey, it’s tempting to isolate ourselves. We tell ourselves we’re too busy for social connections, too focused for community engagement, too stressed for anything beyond our research. I’ve seen many Scholarly Mamas struggle with this – canceling opportunities to connect because a reference list needed updating, skipping family gatherings to meet self-imposed deadlines, convincing themselves that once the PhD is done, they’ll have time for everything else.
But here’s what I learned from my own journey: isolation doesn’t speed up your journey; it just makes it lonelier.
Instead, try:
- Joining PhD Mama groups (you can join mine here)
- Sharing your struggles and victories with other Scholarly Mamas
- Finding a coach who understands the unique challenges of combining academia and motherhood
Remember, every Scholarly Mama you admire, every single one of us who successfully completed this journey – all had moments of doubt, moments when keeping our heads down seemed like the only option. But we lifted our heads up, and so can you.
2. Embrace Your Multiple Identities
You don’t have to choose between being a good mother and a successful academic. I know it often feels like you’re being pulled in different directions, like you’re never quite enough in either role. One minute you’re feeling guilty for missing bedtime because you’re writing, the next you’re feeling behind because you took a day off for a school play.
But here’s the truth: these identities can coexist and even enrich each other.
When I started my PhD, I had one child. By the time I finished, I had three. Each pregnancy, each new baby, each stage of motherhood brought its own challenges to my academic journey. But it also brought unexpected gifts:
- Improved time management (nothing motivates you to work efficiently like a baby’s unpredictable nap schedule)
- Enhanced problem-solving skills (navigating a data collection and analysis with morning sickness required creativity)
- A broader perspective on my research (seeing the world through my children’s eyes often gave me new insights)
- Greater resilience (if I can handle a toddler tantrum, I can handle a PhD viva)
Practical Approaches to Blended Roles On The Journey
Here are some practical ways to embrace your dual identity:
- Integrate when possible: Can you discuss your research in simple terms with the kids at the dinner table? Making your academic life visible to your children shows them that Mama’s work is important too.
- Separate when necessary: It’s okay to have dedicated time for each role. When you’re working, be present in your scholar identity. When you’re with your children, be present as Mama. Quality often matters more than quantity.
- Find your unique rhythm: Maybe you work best early morning before the kids wake up, or late at night after they’re in bed. Perhaps you’re most productive in short bursts throughout the day. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to being a Scholarly Mama.
- Reframe the narrative: Instead of thinking “I’m letting my family down by studying” or “I’m not a serious academic because I’m a mother,” try “I’m showing my children the value of education and pursuing dreams” and “My perspective as a mother enriches my academic work.”
As someone who started her PhD as a Mama of one and finished as a Mama of three, I can testify that it’s possible to grow your family and do your PhD well simultaneously. Was it easy? No. Was it worth it? Absolutely.
Your children don’t need a mother who’s put her dreams on hold. They need a mother who shows them that dreams are worth pursuing, that challenges can be overcome, that it’s possible to wear different hats.
3. Define Success on Your Terms
Success isn’t just about reaching the destination. When we’re in the thick of our PhD journey, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that success only means one thing: completion. But let me challenge you to think differently, Mama.
Success is multifaceted, especially for Scholarly Mamas. It’s about:
- Growing as a person: Every challenge you overcome, every time management skill you master, every moment you push through despite feeling overwhelmed – that’s success.
- Developing new skills: Yes, your research skills are improving, but so are your negotiation skills, your resilience, and your ability to explain complex concepts simply (thank your kids for that one!).
- Building meaningful relationships: The connections you make along the way – with other Scholarly Mamas, with mentors, with your supervisors – these are all part of your success story.
- Finding joy in the process: Those moments when your eyes light up talking about your research, when you solve a problem that’s been bothering you, when you reach a new milestone – celebrate these!
Remember, Mama, you’re not just working towards a title. You’re developing as a whole person, and that journey is just as valuable as the destination. When I look back on my own PhD journey, some of my proudest moments weren’t about academic achievements – they were about finding creative ways to integrate my scholarly life with my Mama life.
4. Create Space for What Matters on the Journey
Don’t put your life on hold for your PhD. This might sound counterintuitive, especially when you’re feeling the pressure to complete, to achieve, to progress. But trust me on this one – creating space for what matters will not only make your journey more enjoyable, it will make it more sustainable.
Make time for:
- Family connections: Your children are growing and changing every day. Yes, your PhD is important, but so are those bedtime stories, playground visits, and family meals. Find ways to integrate family time into your routine – your future self will thank you for it.
- Personal growth: Your PhD doesn’t define you completely. Are there other skills you’d like to develop? Other interests you’d like to pursue? Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn photography, start a blog, or take up yoga. Give yourself permission to grow in other areas.
- Projects that bring you joy: Sometimes, the best breakthroughs come when we step away from our main focus temporarily. Working on side projects – whether they’re academic or not – can reignite your creativity and passion. During my PhD, I started my blog, started my podcast, founded Scholarly Mamas and published my children’s books. These were not directly related to my research, but they brought me joy and often gave me new perspectives on my work.
- Developing skills beyond your academic focus: Your PhD is teaching you research skills, critical thinking, and expertise in your field. But what about other skills that could enrich your life and career? Maybe it’s improving your public speaking or developing your networking abilities. These skills can complement your academic work and open up new opportunities.
Your PhD is Not Your Whole Life
Remember, Mama, your PhD is a significant part of your life, but it doesn’t have to be your whole life. By creating space for what matters, you’re not taking away from your academic success – you’re enriching it. You’re bringing your whole self to this journey, and that’s what makes it uniquely yours.
I’ve seen too many Scholarly Mamas put everything on hold “until after the PhD.” But here’s the truth – life doesn’t wait. Your children won’t pause their growing up, and opportunities for personal growth won’t always be there when you’re “ready.” So instead of waiting for the perfect time, create space now. Integrate what matters into your journey.
Think of it this way – when you reach your destination, what story do you want to tell? Do you want to talk only about the papers you published and the hours you spent in the library? Or do you want to share a richer narrative – one that includes academic achievement but also personal growth, family memories, and a life fully lived?
The Cost of Keeping Your Head Down
Let’s be honest – pursuing a PhD as a Scholarly Mama is challenging. The temptation to put your head down and just push through can be overwhelming. “I’ll make up for lost time later,” we tell ourselves. “Once this chapter is done…” “After I submit…” “When I graduate…”
But Mama, I need you to hear this: the cost of keeping your head down, of isolating yourself in the darkness of single-minded focus, is far too high. Let me break down what you really risk losing:
1. Precious Moments with Your Children
- The impromptu dance parties in the kitchen
- The bedtime stories that turn into deep conversations
- The school performances where your little one searches the audience for your face
- The daily changes, big and small, that make up childhood
These moments might seem small, but they’re the threads that weave the fabric of your family life. As someone who’s been there, I can tell you – you don’t get these moments back. Your PhD can be paused temporarily; childhood won’t.
2. Your Support Network
When you’re constantly “too busy” or “too stressed” to meet up with friends, attend family gatherings and engage with other Scholarly Mamas you risk losing out on so much. You risk missing out on vital emotional support, missing opportunities for collaborative thinking, isolating yourself when you most need community and forgetting that you’re not alone in this journey.
3. Your Own Well-being
The costs to your personal well-being can be subtle at first, but they add up. Physical health can suffer from stress and sedentary work. Mental health can struggle from isolation and pressure. You may lose out on hobbies and interests that make you happy and you resilience may suffer when you face new academic challenges.
Mama, taking care of yourself isn’t a luxury – it’s a necessity for sustainable success.
4. Professional Growth Beyond the PhD
When you’re solely focused on completing your thesis, you might miss opportunities for professional growth. These may include missed networking opportunities that could lead to future collaboration or missed chances to develop skills beyond your specific research area. Tunnel-visioned thinking may also cost you the perspective needed to plan your post-PhD career.
5. Your Partner Relationship
If you have a spouse/partner, keeping your head down can strain your relationship. Communication between you may become solely logistical, you may less joy in experiences together. Resentment can foster if there is an imbalance in household responsibilities, leaving your spouse/partner feeling like a single parent.
6. Your Sense of Self
Perhaps the most significant cost is to your identity. You may lose sight of who you are beyond your academic work, forgetting the other dreams and aspirations you once had. You may diminishing the many other roles that make you whole, tying your entire sense of worth to academic achievement.
The Hidden Cost: Regret
Arriving at your destination full of regrets is perhaps the heaviest cost of all. I’ve seen too many Mamas reach the end of their PhD journey only to realise that they have drifted apart from their friends and family. They can’t remember what their children were like at certain ages. They’ve lost touch with the parts of themselves that exist outside of academia and have achieved their goal but at a price they didn’t mean to pay.
A Better Way Forward
But here’s the good news, Mama – it doesn’t have to be this way. You can choose a different path. You can:
- Set boundaries: Your PhD is important, but it’s not everything
- Practice presence: When you’re with your children, be with them fully
- Find your community: Connect with other Scholarly Mamas who get it
- Prioritise self-care: You can’t pour from an empty cup
- Celebrate the journey: Find joy in the process, not just the destination
Remember:
Your PhD is not a sprint; it’s a marathon. And like any long-distance runner will tell you, sustainable pace and proper self-care aren’t optional – they’re essential for reaching the finish line.
When you lift your head up, when you allow yourself to be present in all aspects of your life, something magical happens. Not only do you enjoy the journey more, but often, your academic work improves too. Fresh perspectives, renewed energy, and the support of your community can make all the difference.
A Journey Without Regrets
The goal isn’t just to finish your PhD; it’s to finish well. This means creating a journey that:
- Honours your wholeness as both a scholar and a mother
- Allows for growth in multiple areas of your life
- Creates memories and experiences you’ll treasure
- Leads to a destination you can be proud of, not just for what you achieved, but for how you achieved it
Embracing the Identity Shift
Being a Scholarly Mama is about more than just juggling academics and motherhood. It’s an identity shift that recognises the value in both roles and sees them as complementary, not competitive. This shift allows you to:
- See past titles and accolades
- Understand the deeper purpose of your journey
- Recognise that success is multidimensional
- Be present both as an academic and as a mother
Moving Forward: Your Next Steps for The Journey
If you’re ready to embrace this mindset shift and transform your PhD journey, here are some next steps:
- Join our unique community of Scholarly Mamas
- Seek support from those who’ve walked this path
- Give yourself permission to grow in other areas
- Remember that the journey itself is where the real success lies
Conclusion: The Journey is Yours and So Is The Success
As you navigate your PhD journey, remember the cave. Sometimes, you need to watch your step, but don’t forget to lift your head and let in the light. The success you seek isn’t waiting at the end of your PhD – it’s in the way you choose to walk the path.
Your journey matters… your growth matters.. our wholeness matters. And yes, you can thrive in PhD motherhood, not just survive it. Because when you win where it matters, everyone wins.
Are you ready to embrace your journey as a Scholarly Mama? Remember, these are our journeys of becoming!
With lots of love and gratitude,
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