Navigating the complex world of academia while raising a family can be an overwhelming experience for many mothers. The constant juggle between research deadlines, thesis writing, and family responsibilities often leads to that pervasive feeling known as PhD “mum guilt”. This emotional burden can significantly impact both personal well-being and academic progress. As someone who has lived through this experience, I want to share my story and offer practical strategies to help you manage mum guilt effectively.
If you are struggling with debilitating feelings of mum guilt and shame requiring professional advice, I’d encourage you to seek mental health support from a qualified mental health professional, counsellor or therapist. The information shared in this blog post (and elsewhere on this site) is from my lived experience and is neither advice nor a substitute for mental health support.
By the way, if you prefer to listen to the related podcast episode on this topic, please feel free to use the player below:
My Personal Experience with PhD Mum Guilt
I vividly remember sitting in my son’s nursery car park, overwhelmed with a sense of guilt and fear. I had recently secured funding for my PhD, an achievement I had dreamed of for years. But instead of feeling elated, I found myself questioning, “What on earth did I just sign up for?”
The joy I felt when I first received the news of my PhD grant funding award (amidst a family vacation in Barbados where my son had caught chicken pox!) was now overshadowed by doubt. How would I juggle this new academic challenge with my role as a mother? Would I be putting too much stress on our family? Could I live up to the expectations of my funders, supervisors, and university?
These fears were compounded by the fact that I was a first-generation university student, with no family nearby to offer support. The weight of being a trailblazer for my family, while also trying to be a good mother, felt immense.
Understanding Mum Guilt in Academia
Mum guilt is a common phenomenon among mothers pursuing higher education, especially at the doctoral level. It often manifests as a constant feeling of inadequacy, where you feel you’re not doing enough for your children when focused on your studies, and not dedicating enough time to your research when you’re with your family.
The roots of mum guilt in academia are multifaceted. They can stem from societal expectations, personal aspirations, the pressure to excel in both roles, and the practical challenges of time management. As a first-generation student and a mother in academia, these feelings may be further amplified by the weight of expectations and the desire to set a positive example for your children and future generations.
10 Strategies to Manage Mum Guilt and Thrive in Academia
1. Set Clear Boundaries to Manage the PhD Mum Guilt
One of the most effective ways I managed mum guilt was by establishing clear boundaries between my academic work and family time. I designated specific hours for research, writing, and other academic tasks, and equally important, set aside dedicated time for my family.
When I was working on my research, I focused solely on that task, knowing that I had allocated quality time for my family later. Similarly, when I was with my children, I immersed myself in those moments without the nagging worry of unfinished academic work.
2. Prioritise Quality Over Quantity
I learned that it’s not always about the amount of time you spend with your children, but rather the quality of those interactions. I made the most of the time we had together by engaging in meaningful activities and conversations. We created lasting memories through shared experiences, even if they were simple everyday moments.
3. Involve Your Children in Your Academic Journey
One of the most rewarding aspects of my PhD journey was involving my children, especially my eldest son. I explained my research to him in simple terms, shared my excitement about new discoveries, and let him see the passion I had for my work.
This approach not only helped demystify my time away from them but also inspired them to value education and perseverance. My academic journey became a source of pride for my children, showing them that it’s possible to pursue dreams while being a devoted parent.
4. Create a Supportive Network
Building a network of like-minded individuals was invaluable in managing my mum guilt. While I didn’t have this during my own journey, I recognised its importance, which is why I created a community for Scholarly Mamas®. Having a supportive village that understands your unique challenges can provide emotional relief and practical solutions.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
My husband often reminded me to give myself grace, and it’s advice I want to offer to you. Be kind to yourself and recognise that you’re doing your best in a challenging situation. Perfection is not the goal; progress is. This is why it’s important that self-love becomes part of your Scholarly Mama success strategy.
6. Reframe Your Perspective to Banish PhD Mum Guilt
Instead of viewing my academic pursuits as taking away from my family, I learned to see them as an investment in our future. My education could lead to better opportunities, financial stability, and personal fulfilment, all of which would benefit my children in the long run.
7. Maximise Productivity During Work Hours
I made the most of my designated work time by optimising my productivity. This often meant working early in the morning or late at night when my children were asleep. By increasing my efficiency during work hours, I could reduce the overall time needed for academic tasks, leaving more time for family without compromising my studies. This is why I’ve created Scholarly Mamas® FOCUS for busy academic mothers with little time and long to-do lists.
8. Prioritise Self-Care
Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary. I learned this lesson the hard way, pushing myself too hard at times and neglecting self-care. Regular self-care helps you maintain the energy and emotional balance needed to excel in both your academic and parental roles.
9. Communicate Openly with Your Family
I maintained open and honest communication with my husband and children about my academic commitments and the challenges I faced. This helped them understand why my work was important and how it fit into our family’s larger goals and values.
10. Celebrate Small Wins
I learned to acknowledge and celebrate my achievements, both big and small. Completing a difficult chapter, finishing marking papers ahead of schedule, or managing to attend my sons’ school events despite a busy week – these were all victories worth recognising. Personal victories outside of academia were equally deserving of celebration too!
Embracing Your Unique Journey
As I approach my PhD graduation, with my children excited to be part of the ceremony, I’m reminded of how far we’ve come. This journey has been challenging, but also incredibly rewarding. My children have seen me work hard, navigate difficulties, and come out stronger on the other side. They now know that they too can do hard things.
Remember, pursuing a PhD or any advanced degree while raising a family is a significant accomplishment. The mum guilt you feel often stems from caring deeply about both your academic goals and your family – a testament to your commitment to both aspects of your life.
It’s important to recognise that this journey is temporary. The intense period of balancing academic pursuits with family life will not last forever. By implementing these strategies and maintaining a positive outlook, you can navigate this challenging time more effectively.
Your path as a Scholarly Mama® is unique and valuable. You’re not just pursuing personal ambitions; you’re paving the way for future generations, showing that it’s possible to be both a dedicated parent and a successful academic. Embrace this journey, with all its challenges and rewards, knowing that you’re creating a lasting impact both in your field of study and in the lives of your children.
Final Thoughts on Silencing the PhD Mum Guilt
In conclusion, managing mum guilt during your Scholarly Mama® journey is an ongoing process that requires patience, self-reflection, and intentional action. By implementing these strategies and remaining committed to both your family and your academic goals, you can find a unique blend that works for you. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey, and your efforts are shaping not just your future, but the future of your family and your field of study. It’s time to silence the mum guilt and fully embrace your journey of Scholarly Motherhood.
Remember Mama, these are our journeys of becoming!
Until next time, I’m sending you lots of love and gratitude,
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