As Scholarly Mamas, we often find ourselves caught in the relentless pursuit of doing it all. From maintaining research productivity and being the perfect PhD student to keeping an immaculate home and being an ever-present mother, we put immense pressure on ourselves to excel in every aspect of our lives. We strive to be everything to everyone, all the time, chasing the elusive dream of having it all. However, this quest for doing it all can be a dangerous trap that leads us down a path of overwhelm, burnout, and disillusionment.
In this post, I want to challenge this notion and invite you to embrace a more purposeful and sustainable approach to navigating your Scholarly Mama journey. If you would prefer to listen to the related podcast episode, please feel free to use the player below:
The Illusion of Doing It All
The idea of doing it all is often portrayed as a badge of honour, a symbol of strength and superwoman-like capabilities. We constantly see messages that glorify this concept, making us believe that we can have it all and do it all without sacrificing anything. However, this is an illusion that can leave us feeling perpetually dissatisfied and unfulfilled.
While it’s natural for us to juggle multiple facets of our identities – as mothers, scholars, partners, and more – the trap lies in our desire to excel at everything simultaneously. We want to be the perfect PhD student, maintain research productivity, keep an immaculate home, and be the ever-present mother. We want to do all the things, be all the things, for all the people, all the time. However, this pursuit of perfection in every aspect of our lives is simply not realistic or sustainable.
The Cost of Perfection
One of the biggest pitfalls of trying to do it all is the relentless pursuit of perfection. We want to be flawless in every role we play. This quest for perfection can lead us down a path of burnout, frustration, and self-doubt. When I was in the thick of my PhD journey with one, two, and then three babies at home, I found myself under immense, self-imposed pressure to excel at everything.
However, I realised that this was simply impossible to sustain. Honestly, it was not even desirable because I realised that there’s always a cost (even when we can’t see it). Sacrifices maybe required to navigate this unique juggling act of scholarly motherhood. The key is to be honest with ourselves about those costs and the sacrifices we are willing to make.
The Comparison Trap and Guilt Cycle
Another trap that Scholarly Mamas often fall into is the comparison trap. We look at our colleagues, their progress, and their achievements, and we compare ourselves to them. This cycle of comparison and guilt can be debilitating, leaving us feeling inadequate and stuck in a loop of self-doubt.
There’s also the guilt cycle that many Scholarly Mamas experience. When working on your PhD, you feel guilty about not being a present mother. But then, when being a present mother, you feel guilty about not working on your PhD. This constant juggling of guilt can be overwhelming and hinder your progress.
Embracing Purposeful Progress
So, how can you break free from the doing it all trap and embrace purposeful progress as Scholarly Mamas? Here are some insights and strategies to consider:
1. Redefine ‘Doing It All’
Instead of trying to do it all, focus on what truly matters to you. Get crystal clear on what you actually want from this journey. What sacrifices you are willing to make to finish well? For me, it meant taking a slower pace, pacing myself throughout the journey to avoid burnout and to protect the asset, which was me!
2. Seek Support
Accepting help is crucial on this journey. Surround yourself with a supportive network, like a partner, or family members. You can also join a like-minded community or hire a coach. Trying to do everything alone is a surefire path to overwhelm and burnout.
3. Embrace Your Multifaceted Identity
Contrary to the belief that you must be everything to everyone, I encourage you to embrace your multifaceted identities. Wear your different hats with purpose, and recognise that being a Scholarly Mama is a unique blend of various dimensions.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself and let go of the guilt that often accompanies the ‘do it all’ mentality. When you find yourself feeling guilty for not being present enough as a mother or not making enough progress on your PhD, practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can.
5. Avoid the Comparison Trap
Break free from the cycle of comparison by focusing on your own journey and progress. Comparing yourself to others will only lead to feelings of inadequacy and guilt, hindering your ability to move forward with purpose.
6. Seek Clarity and Purpose
Take time to reflect on what purposeful success looks like for you. By getting crystal clear on your vision and the sacrifices you are willing to make, you can chart a path forward that aligns with your values and priorities.
7. Consider Coaching
I do offer one-on-one coaching to help Scholarly Mamas transition from feeling stuck in the juggle-struggle to making consistent, purposeful progress, without guilt or sacrificing the family life they love. Working with a coach can provide the accountability and support you need to navigate this unique journey with intention and joy.
Break Free From The Trap of Doing it All
By embracing these strategies, you can break free from the trap of ‘doing it all’. You can embrace a more purposeful and sustainable approach to your Scholarly Mama journey. Instead of trying to be everything to everyone, you can focus on what truly matters to you and make intentional sacrifices that aligns with your values and goals.
It’s important to remember that real life is multidimensional. It’s natural for us to juggle multiple facets of our identities. However, the trap lies in our desire to excel at everything simultaneously and to be all things to all people, all the time. By letting go of unrealistic expectations and embracing a more purposeful approach, we can create lives that feel fulfilling on the inside and align with our authentic selves.
Remember that true success lies not in trying to ‘do it all’. It’s about being honest with yourself about what truly matters and being willing to make the necessary sacrifices to reach your goals without losing yourself or precious time with your loved ones in the process.
Let me help you break free from the ‘doing it all’ trap! You can embrace purposeful progress on your Scholarly Mama journey. It’s time to redefine what success means to you, seek support when needed, cultivate self-compassion and clarity, and create a legacy that extends far beyond the walls of academia. This journey is all about creating a legacy of purpose, fulfilment, and joy.
Remember Mama, these are your journeys of becoming!
Sending you lots of love and gratitude,
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