There are so many unspoken truths about doing a PhD with kids. Yes, we’re going to talk about all the things that nobody tells you about doing a PhD with kids in tow.
By the way, you can listen to this post as a podcast. Please feel free to use the player below:
1. Doing a PhD with kids is an incredible juggling act
So the first thing that nobody tells you is the incredible juggling act that awaits between your research, and your family life. And if you’re working as well, defining that equilibrium can be quite challenging. But remember that you are smarter and stronger and more capable than you might even imagine right now.
I know it feels like you’ve got the world on your shoulders. But you can get through this journey. You just need to find a way and a system that works for you.
But it is possible.
I am proof of this, having done my PhD as a Mama of three (or a mum of one, and then a mum of two, and then a mum of three). Yes, I did this over several years while working and juggling married life, home life and everything else!
I can tell you that although it is a juggling act, it is possible to find a way that works. It is possible to be smart and purposeful on this journey.
2. Dealing with guilt and practising self-care
The second thing that no one tells you about doing a PhD with kids is all about guilt and self-care.
Firstly… the guilt. It’s real.
The mum guilt, the PhD guilt, every possible type of guilt you can think of, you will experience it all. It’s real and at times quite overwhelming.
You need to be aware of this so that you can find strategies to manage that guilt. And to tap into opportunities for self-care. You will need to be intentional about your boundaries so that you can look after yourself to make it through this journey. I remember reading recently (I can’t remember who said it, I think it might have been someone’s post on Instagram), by the way, if you’re not following me on Instagram, please do at Mrs Mummy PhD.
But I digress.
I’m sure someone was saying that you need to make sure when you are on a journey as hard and as complex as doing a PhD with kids, that you want to make sure that you are around to celebrate at the end. There’s no point in achieving this goal if, at the end of it, you are no use to yourself or no use to your family i.e. if you’re going to be completely burnt out or suffering in whatever way. There’s no point in doing all of this if you are going to not be able to enjoy the fruits of your labour at the end of it.
So self-care is very, very important and often, easily neglected. However, it can be an antidote for the guilt that you will experience on this journey.
Changing our ideas about self-care
On that note, we need to change our thinking about self-care as well.
Self-care doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to go and book a trip somewhere. You don’t have to go on an elaborate spa day with your girlfriends.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that.
Self-care could be as simple as a few minutes in the shower. Just having that time to reflect and think and kind of decompress from the day. You know, just to have that space for yourself.
It’s more about creating that mental space than a treat at the spa. I think if you can do that (the spa), then great, but it doesn’t have to be this complicated.
I think a lot of us put off self-care because we think it needs to be elaborate and expensive and it doesn’t. It could be free, it could be simple and it could be daily.
This is definitely something to be aware of.
Comparison is not your friend on this journey
One more point to add to this point about guilt and self-care…
I think one of the things that I had to accept on my journey was that it was okay to be different. It was okay that my journey through my PhD looked different from other people’s. Yes, I was surrounded by people who had no responsibilities outside of work life and PhD life. Quite a few of them were child-free.
And so, of course, it’s different… I had more responsibilities. I was more limited in my availability and the time that I was able to spend on my PhD because I had other responsibilities and commitments. But this didn’t mean that that should cause me additional guilt or stress.
It meant that I accepted that my journey was different. I was making family-oriented, intentional, purposeful decisions that I believed were right for my family, for myself, and for my circumstances. And so I navigated my PhD journey with that in mind. Also, with the goal of completing my PhD in mind as well.
Embrace your unique journey
I think that’s important to know that it’s okay to be different. It’s okay if your journey looks different from other people’s.
You might even be in a situation where you need to apply for additional funding or apply for an extension to just get you through to the end of the PhD journey.
Or you may find yourself in the position that I was in. I had to prepare for my PhD viva with my kids at home during the summer holidays. I had to be quite creative and strategic about how I prepared for that.
If you want to know more about how I successfully defended my PhD thesis by viva whilst juggling my kids who were at home on summer holidays, then please do check out this post about how to nail your PhD viva with a purposeful Scholarly Mama strategy.
3. Your support system matters when doing a PhD with kids
The third thing that no one tells you about doing a PhD with kids is that your support system matters.
You know, when people look at my journey, they ask, ‘How have you managed to do all of what you’ve done?’
I have managed to do all of what I have done because I’ve had a very supportive husband right alongside me the entire way.
There were times when I had to work extra hours. Or, where I had to put a few extra hours into my PhD. My husband simply took over and managed everything with the kids. Because usually, we’d manage our kids as a team. But, part of being a team is also knowing when you need to step in, step up and support the other person.
My husband has also done some studying during our marriage. And when he was doing that, I was the one supporting him and making sure that he did as well as he possibly could in his journey by being the one picking up the slack. And so when it was my turn to do my PhD, he did the same for me.
There were times when I had to wake up early to get some work done. As you know, it’s quite hard sometimes, especially in the winter, to be waking up early. But he would wake up with me just so that I wasn’t by myself.
Or, he would look after the kids so that I could get some extra sleep.
Or, he would put the kids to bed when I was in London a bit later than I wanted to be because I was doing patient recruitment and running around to various hospitals and clinics and things.
Any form of support makes things easier
And so, I think the point is that having a support system does make the journey so much easier and more manageable as a Scholarly Mama.
It’s important to build a strong support network and make sure that you’ve got some kind of support in place to get you through this journey. I mentioned in an earlier post that sometimes that village (that support system) doesn’t look the way that you thought it would look.
In some cases, you may have to pay for extra childcare, or you may have to pay for extra help at home to get things done and to keep everything afloat. And so, while it is important to make sure you do have that support system, it’s also important to recognise that that may look different for different people.
And so just to be aware of that.
4. Time management becomes an art form of sorts
The fourth thing no one tells you when you are doing a PhD with kids is that time management becomes an art form. Yes, it literally becomes an art form when you’re a mother doing a PhD!
Time is a lot more limited because you’ve got extra commitments. You’ve got extra responsibilities on your shoulders.
It becomes such a precious commodity.
I remember having this conversation with my colleagues as I was going through my PhD and some of them would ask me, ‘How are you able to do your PhD and manage your kids and everything?’ And I’d say to them, ‘Well, the truth of the matter is I know that my time is very limited and so it just helps me to be a lot more productive during the time I do have available!’
I think that one of the things that helps with that productivity is having a plan. Having a plan for your time is very, very important. Mainly because a lot of the time, things take twice as long as we think they will, and so having an indication as to what time you do have available helps you to be able to better anticipate what time you will need to get a task done, and also allow you to plan for your time so that you can manage any sort of unexpected sickness at home or having to pick up your children early from nursery because they’re not well. That can happen. Kids can be sick or they can be other family-related emergencies and therefore it’s important to have a plan for your time so that you can navigate those little dips when they come.
5. If you’re doing a PhD with kids, you need to be flexible and adaptable
So the next thing that no one tells you when you’re doing a PhD with kids is that you need to be flexible and adaptable.
This is so, so key.
I talk a lot about the importance of having a ‘flexible focus’. I think that this is so important because no one can predict the twists and turns in life. You never know what’s around the corner. And so it’s important to be flexible and adaptable in your academic and family life. There are times when you may have to put a bit of extra time and effort into something that’s happening with your PhD. And there are other times when your family life will take priority.
It’s not a matter of one or the other. It’s a matter of being flexible and adaptable to circumstances as they arise and being okay with the fact that things may not always go to plan. Yes, you may have a plan, but there will be times when things will come up and you have to adjust and be adaptable to those circumstances.
So I think that’s another really key point.
And no one tells you the importance of doing that. The importance of flexibility and adaptability.
So, so key.
6. You should celebrate the small wins
The next thing that no one tells you about doing a PhD with kids is the importance of celebrating the small wins.
I think this is so, so key because sometimes, you know, this journey can feel so long and the destination can feel so far away.
And yes, I’m all about not just glorifying the destination. I’m all about taking in the lessons and the ‘becoming’ of it.
You know, I talk a lot about journeys of becoming, and I think it’s because, for me, the real gain is in the journey itself, not necessarily the destination.
The destination can feel quite anticlimactic, to be honest.
But, the growth that you’ve experienced on this journey and the lessons that you’ve learned along the way, are the gold dust in this experience.
The key thing is that the journey can sometimes feel long and hard, even though yes, there are lessons that we are learning along the way.
And you know that is the gold dust, even though it still can be a long, hard slog. Because of that, I think it’s even more important as a Scholarly Mama to celebrate those little wins too.
What’s on your celebration list?
Did you manage to write a few pages on a chapter you’ve been working on for weeks?
Celebrate that.
Did you submit a chapter to your supervisor for feedback?
Celebrate that.
Did you manage to revise or edit a chapter after receiving feedback?
Celebrate that.
Celebrate every single milestone on this journey. After all that you’re juggling and have had to endure on this journey, you deserve to be celebrated.
And if no one’s going to celebrate you, Mama, you celebrate YOU!
Celebrate how far you have come on this journey. One of the things that I realised on this journey, being as long and as hard as it was, is that you will want to give up often. There are many times that you would just want to throw in the towel and say, you know what, I don’t even need this PhD anymore.
But it’s in those times that you must reflect and appreciate and celebrate those little wins, especially in those long, dark moments when all you want to do is give up.
That’s the moment to celebrate the little wins. That’s the moment to remember how far you’ve come, Mama. You are doing so awesome!
You should be celebrated no matter how small that win is.
7. The power of purpose
The seventh and final thing that no one tells you about doing a PhD with kids is the power of purpose. Now this Mama is your superpower. I know it’s not the logical solution. It’s not what most people think about when they’re doing a PhD, but when you are doing a PhD with kids, when you’re doing a PhD as a mother, you have a secret superpower.
And that secret superpower is your Scholarly Mama purpose. And, no matter the challenge, it gives you the resilience, tenacity, and drive to face those challenges head-on and bounce back. It’s a hallmark of the Scholarly Mama.
And this, my friend, is your secret weapon. This is the way that no one else is talking about. This is the secret sauce, Mama. Yes, this is the secret sauce! And so, this is one of the things that I will be going much deeper on inside of Scholarly Mamas. Mama, if you are tired of being on the verge of burnout, of just feeling like this juggle-struggle is too much, feeling overwhelmed, feeling guilt-ridden feeling on the verge of quitting… Mama, Scholarly Mamas is for you. This is where we go deeper into the secret sauce of how you can survive and not just survive, but thrive on this journey.
Join our community of smart, purposeful Scholarly Mamas
Come and join Scholarly Mamas. You can join us on the inside! You can be part of an amazing new experience that will give you all of the tools and the strategies to navigate this journey with purpose and to turn your juggle-struggle into your purposeful journeys of becoming.
I am so happy to bring us all together inside Scholarly Mamas.
And so there you have it, Mamas. Those are the seven things that nobody tells you about doing a PhD as a mother.
Remember that this journey is tough, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. So stay strong. Stay focused, and keep your eyes on that well-deserved PhD.
Until next time Mama, keep rocking the Scholarly Mama life. I’m sending you, as always, lots of love and gratitude.
I cannot wait to see you inside Scholarly Mamas.
Remember Mama, these are our journeys of becoming.
Best wishes,
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