Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links, which means I will earn a small commission if you purchase any items after clicking on the links included in this post at no extra cost to you. Read the full disclosure.
Updated 1.5.23: In this blog post, I want to take a moment to reflect on a recent forest walk with my family and the 5 powerful lessons it taught me about doing a PhD as a Mum.
If you prefer to listen to this post as a podcast, please use the player below:
If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll know from this video post, that we had a lovely time walking through the Bedgebury Pinetum and Forest.
It was so good to be out in the warmth of the summer sun, surrounded by nature, in the great outdoors. We all enjoyed it so much.
But there were a few interesting things that came up as I replayed the outing in my mind later that evening.
What the video I posted on Instagram didn’t show, is that our middle son had a fall, complete with scrapes, cuts and tears!
He was running on one of the pebbly paths and before we knew it, he lost his grip and fell flat on the ground, his hands and legs covered in dust and scraped by stones.
There were a few seconds of silence, as the shock of what had happened sunk in, before the pain kicked in.
He fought his way back to his feet and then burst right into tears.
My husband and I went over to him to assess the damage.
When we realised there wasn’t any serious injury (thankfully), we cleaned him off and gave him a tight hug for reassurance. There were a few scrapes on his right leg and a small cut in the palm of his left hand but he’d live!
Once cleaned, we decided to make our way back to the car.
As we walked and talked, we reflected together on what had happened. It was this short conversation among us that revealed the first lesson about doing a PhD as a Mum.
I asked them, “Boys, sometimes we fall… even when we’re having fun and it really hurts a lot, but do you know the most important thing we can do when we fall?
“Get back up again and keep going?”, they both responded.
I was so impressed! I replied, “Yes, that’s right! We can absolutely get back up again.”
This revealed the first lesson.
Lesson 1: You will rise again so don’t be afraid to fall (or fail) when doing a PhD as a Mum
I was so proud of them in that moment.
Don’t get me wrong, they can be quite dramatic sometimes when they hurt themselves, but I was happy to know that their mindset was at least trying to be in the right place. We’re still working on it!
But one thing was for sure, one minor accident wasn’t going to stop us from enjoying this experience to the full.
Not on our watch!
How many times do we encounter obstacles on this journey as a Scholarly Mama that make us question ourselves? I can’t even count the number of times I’ve felt like throwing in the towel!
Sometimes we are so close to accomplishing one task and then there are setbacks, delays and unexpected outcomes. We are forced to reassess our next steps.
Don’t be afraid of failure. You can rise again.
Mrs Mummy PhD
We have to deal with harsh realities sometimes, difficult feedback, or tough critiques after we’ve sacrificed so much to produce a piece of work.
There are times when we are thrown into the deep end and all we can do is swim, to stop ourselves from sinking. Sometimes we have to deal with many challenges all at once, meaning that we may fail in some areas.
What’s important to remember here is that you may fall (or fail) a few times on this Scholarly Mama journey, but you can get up again, dust yourself off and keep going.
Don’t be afraid of failure. You can rise again.
This brings me nicely onto lesson number two.
Lesson 2: Doing a PhD as a Mum is a long, hard journey but one that will build your resilience.
What I didn’t mention, was we got completely lost in the woods!
We were hot. By the end stretch, we’d finished all of our bottles of water and the thirst was beginning to kick in again as it was a hot, 25 degree (Celsius) day out.
There was also some tough terrain and a few steep hills on the trail. Our feet were tired from walking 3.5 hours. Our middle son was having to walk on his bruised leg after his fall and kept asking how much longer (he did very well to hang in there, my little trooper!). We also needed a bathroom break. No matter which path we tried, it felt like we were getting deeper and deeper into the woods. Our phone signals were also weak, but I guess there were no surprises there!
Never was I so happy to have a site map and our resident map reader on hand! Our eldest got out the site map and finding our way back suddenly became one big adventure 🙂
This was the second lesson.
Doing a PhD is not an easy undertaking.
It’s a long and hard journey and one that’s even harder when you are raising a family at the same time but the struggles will reveal your strengths. The rough terrain will build your resilience.
You’ll realise when the challenges come, the imposter syndrome, the lack of sleep, the ups and downs, the pressures of deadlines that you ‘just about meet’, that you are a strong woman capable of doing this and more.
Work hard when you need to and take breaks to refresh and reset in between (spoiler alert for Lesson 5 below).
Find joy in the other hats you wear that remind you why you’re doing the PhD in the first place.
Let the challenges help you to grow.
Soon you’ll know what works best for you and what will allow you to best navigate this journey. Reflect and write things down if that helps, share your experience with others, challenge yourself to do something different, renew your approach.
And when all else fails, turn it into an adventure!
We can learn a lot from our kids.
Lesson 3: Don’t be afraid to chart your own path when doing a PhD as a Mum
On our walk, there were so many possible paths we could have taken to explore the forest.
There were several other families on a similar mission, to explore the outdoors. Clearly there were some Bedgebury regulars. I am pretty sure they knew the woods like the back of their hands and didn’t have to rely on maps to take them where they needed to go.
We could have mundanely followed them to find our way back. But that would have taken away the joy of exploration we saw in the eyes of our boys.
They enjoyed climbing the various pieces of apparatus in the pocket parks. Especially walking in the water paths, playing in the sand, looking at bugs, and jumping off of the wooden features. They also enjoyed getting the maps out and trying to work out which path to take next.
As parents, we wanted them to be fearless and free in this outdoor experience. So we let them do just that.
We knew it would take us longer to get back doing it this way but the adventure was absolutely worth it.
When you’re doing a PhD as a Mum, there are times when you’ve got to divert from the crowd and do things a bit differently from what everyone else is doing.
This is because there is more than one possible path you can take on this journey.
So if the trail before you doesn’t align with your goals and purpose, don’t be afraid to take a different route. You can achieve the same outcome.
It may not be the popular route but it may be a necessary one for you. It’s okay to stand out sometimes. Your inspirational impact maybe greater than you might realise. Look at the tree in the image below. Isn’t it magnificent? It really stands out doesn’t it?
What a lesson!
You don’t have to follow the crowd if it doesn’t align with what you believe your purpose in life to be. Maybe your purpose is greater than your PhD. Maybe your PhD is only one part of it!
Of course, you can still achieve great things! However, when you have children depending on you, you have to ensure that you don’t achieve your goals, but be left disillusioned and burnout.
This is my philosophy at least. None of what is in this post constitutes advice. I am simply sharing my reflections and experiences. No one knows your circumstances better than you!
But I believe you have it within you to create your own healthy norms.
Maybe you don’t have to constantly run on empty. Maybe you can still be fully present as a Mum in the time you have with your significant other and/or your children.
Perhaps it’s time to stop neglecting yourself and your mental health, or keeping up with the PhD Joneses!
Chart your own path through your PhD.
Don’t replace those for whom you’re not replaceable, with those who can replace you.
Mrs Mummy PhD
Do what needs to be done for your research, of course, you want to achieve the goals you’ve set for yourself. But also do what needs to be done for your well-being. Nothing is more important than that if you want to be able to survive the journey – in tact… if you want to become purposefully whole.
Don’t replace those for whom you’re not replaceable, with those who can replace you.
Lesson 4: Don’t compare your journey to others when doing a PhD as a Mum
Our sons looked at the video I created with our highlights from the day and said this to me.
“Bedgebury was so much fun Mummy, we really enjoyed it!”
It made me think about how they will watch that video in the future and not think about the fall, about us getting lost or about the dry, bare sections of the woods, or the ants nest our son accidentally stepped right into! My photos make the forest look like something out of a magazine, I know. I am no photographer! But truth be told, not every part of the forest walk was pleasant or picturesque. Not every tree was green, there were brown areas too. There were even a few fallen trees and cordoned off areas. But that didn’t take away from the overall experience.
The boys will remember the fun adventure that it was.
Perhaps it’s a good thing as those things did nothing to dampen the fun we had and the memories we created.
The Instagram video captured our highlights beautifully. But it was just a snapshot!
Likewise, no one’s PhD journey is perfect. Perfection simply doesn’t exist.
As I reviewed the video footage from our day out, I chose to share the beautiful highlights of our family walk in the woods. I was selective about how I documented the day’s events in photos.
We took loads of photos and videos but I could not include all of them.
For example, I didn’t share photos or footage of the ‘great fall’, partly because I didn’t have any but even if I did, I would not have shared them.
Likewise, remember the people you compare yourself to don’t always showcase or share their struggles. They don’t always show you the lows. Accept that what you see may not always be the full story.
So don’t allow yourself to enter into a negative spiral of comparison over someone’s progress or success, or feel that your journey is not as ‘easy’ as theirs.
Everyone has their struggles, some just hide theirs better than others.
So when doing a PhD as a Mum, it’s easy to compare your journey to others. As a non-traditional student, yours will naturally look different from theirs.
That’s okay.
Make reasonable adjustments where necessary, taking your family circumstances into account. Then, just press on in your own lane.
Remember that it’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. So run your own race the best way you can.
Lesson 5: It’s okay to take a break for sanity’s sake
The final lesson I learned about doing a PhD as a Mum from our forest walk was that it’s okay to take breaks when needed.
Did I mention how tired we felt after walking for 3.5 hours? Or how desperate we were to find our way back to starting point?
We were tired, weary and exhausted.
But when walking through a forest with kids, breaks are inevitable. At that time our youngest was still exclusively breastfeeding and we all know breastfed babies feed often! So we had to find somewhere that I could sit and feed him. Plus our other two boys needed a snack break too.
Thank goodness we packed our backpacks full of snacks. I was also grateful for the many benches scattered around Bedgebury. So when we found a nice shaded spot, we sat down, had some fruit, snacks and recharged.
We all needed that opportunity to recharge to be honest, the chance to rest our tired legs and re-coop some energy. The boys observed the ducks nearby for a while. Everyone felt refreshed. Taking that little break rejuvenated us with the fresh vigour and determination we needed to see the journey through.
The same applies when doing a PhD as a Mum. There are times when we become utterly exhausted.
From all the deadlines, to the sleepless nights when our babies are unwell, to the sheer exhaustion that comes from balancing so many responsibilities. But when things get really tough and you feel it’s beginning to impact on your health, know that it’s okay to take a break if you must.
Only you know what you need.
I’ve had breaks during my PhD and guess what, the world still kept spinning.
A break maybe the one thing you need to renew your strength. After that break, you’ll probably come back ready and better able to tackle that PhD, which won’t seem so insurmountable after all.
Conclusion
In summary, I’ve shared the 5 powerful lessons I learned in the forest about doing a PhD as a Mum.
Let me recap them here briefly as I close.
- Don’t be afraid of failure, you can rise again
- The rough terrain will build your resilience
- It’s okay to chart your own path
- Don’t compare your journey to others
- It’s okay to take a break if you need to for your own well-being.
I am so grateful for these 5 powerful lessons. They are reminders of how much wisdom there is in the everyday experiences we have if we pay close attention. Our kids teach us too!
Over to You
I hope you will find these 5 powerful lessons helpful for your own journey of doing a PhD as a Mum. Sometimes continuing on this journey is just as hard as starting it, but with the right mindset, we can do this!
Have you ever spent time in nature with your family and discovered any valuable, transferable or inspirational gems for the Scholarly Mama journey that I’ve missed here?
I’d love to hear your experiences in the comments below!
Remember Mama, these are our journeys of becoming :-).
Until next time, sending you much love and gratitude,
This resonated with me so much. We don’t spend enough time trying to map out the lessons we are learning from all these everyday activities with our children. Thanks for doing the work and showing us we can do it too!
I am so happy to know this resonated with you! Couldn’t agree more that time spent with our children teaches us so much 🙂